Tuesday, March 1, 2011

How Twilight Nearly Destroyed Our Blog and My Life.

Recently we had a poll asking what was your favorite book series turned into a movie series. I included some obvious options including the Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter. I also had some dark horse candidates in James Bond and the Chronicles of Narnia. It was my fifth option that caused me such grief. Taken in one of my flights of fancy I thought it would be amusing if I included Twilight in the poll. "There is no way it will even get one vote" I boldly declared. "Do we even have any female followers?" was my next quip.

Here is where things took a turn towards darkness. After a few days I decided to look up the results of the poll. I am not ashamed to admit that I openly wept at what I saw. Here I was a writer and developer for a decidely male blog (all of the contributors are male and so our content and opinions are somewhat biased in that sense.) and I see something nearly as evil as Gargamel punching a cute puppy for being cute... Twilight was in a tie for the lead with LOTR.

This may have been taken on my mission but even then I knew it was meant for other things. Its destiny was to be a visual representation of my battered spirits after the Twilight news.

How could this have happened? Did I misjudge the makeup of our readership? Why did I have to include Twilight as an option? What do I do now? In times of trial why does my mind only think in short clipped questions? All of these things and more ran rampant through my mind. After a few hours of crying and power napping I had made up my mind on one thing. I would give the people what they wanted regardless of what it did to my soul.

But what to do to make our Twilight fans happy? I decided that every post I did from that point on would include vampires or sparkly people. I started growing out my hair and got to the point where I could pull off some wicked emo hair. (To be honest I still can. I haven't had a haircut in 8+ months) I started watching and reading all things angsty and teenagey. All of this I did for a readership that had snuck up on me. They were destroying my sense of self and sucking me into their world of apathy and boredom.

This is what I was becoming...well a slightly more handsome and enjoyable version.
 As I was ready to finally succumb to this sad, sad life I looked at the poll results one more time. Never have you seen a happier man. LOTR had pulled into a 67 percent lead that it would never relinquish. I have never been more grateful for a handful of votes. The moment I saw the results I brushed the hair out of my eyes,smiled and hugged a random passerby. He got kinda weirded out and my explanation didn't seem to help my case at all but I had to share my joy with someone.

I would like to point out that this experience taught me a few things:
  • First never put Twilight in a poll.
  • Second I can't let our readers push me around
  • And third I need to kill Ricky for being the cause of all the Twilight votes. Don't think I don't know it was you. You best hide because one day soon I am coming for you. I mean it you should be quaking in fear as you read this.
So in conclusion I would just like to say that my hair is getting pretty long and that I hate Twilight for what they have done to the name Edward and for destroying vampire stories and movies for years to come. If you were expecting some kind of well thought out summary with a touching quote or personal story you are probably reading the wrong blog.

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