Tuesday, May 7, 2013

The Best and Worst Things about Being Single

First off there is one thing of which you need to be made aware. I am single and I have been for a while. That simple fact will clearly bias what I write and skew it to the perspective of an unbound man who feels secure and content in the knowledge of his future as a male spinster (I am assuming I will have a lot of cats). Also I will be focusing on the best and worst parts of singledom for males only. Sorry ladies, but you make as much sense to me as a penguin riding a dinosaur. I think you are both awesome, but neither of you are logical to my brain (that might be why I am single).

Doesn't stop me from doodling it though.

So with all that in mind I warn you to prepare yourselves, because I am about to rock your world with the definitive list of the best and worst things about being single. I decided to start out with the best parts about being single because I am nothing if not optimistic. What I write may not reflect this, but I swear I am. Honest.


You pick the shows you want to watch

When you are single, TV watching is incredibly easy. There is no drama about the channel or the content of what will be viewed. I have never once had to fight myself for control of the television. I may not always pick a winner, but I am always at peace with myself for the choices I make. As a single man you pick what you want to watch and you don't have to worry if the person with you will hate the movie about Moon Nazis.

This is actually a thing and of course we watched it.

As has been well documented, we do not always pick quality movies and will sometimes watch terrible movies just because we can. I think of it like anything in this world, you can't enjoy the good without having experienced the bad, and boy do we know the bad. When you have a lady friend you have to worry about things like "good taste" and "artistic credibility". I say pff to those things as I roam the land freely, watching whatever I want willy-nilly.

Less Accountability

In the wonderful world of bachelorhood there are many things that you don't need to worry about explaining or fixing. Being single means that pizza sauce and french fries can count as vegetables. It means that shaving is now optional, and you can wear that t-shirt with the hole in the side and the questionable graphics without any complaint (At least to your face). You also have no need to worry about spending your money on random nick-knacks to clutter your spaces. Do you need that Tardis cookie jar or another Star Wars character piggy bank? Not at all, but by golly you are going to have them.

I own all of these things and that should probably bother me.

As with any relationship there is a certain amount of responsibility that lands squarely on your shoulders. It isn't a bad thing, but you will be required to remember things that don't involve sports stats or where you have seen that guy in the movie before. Dates and times now become important things and could cause a problem if you forget to, for example, pick her up from the airport or to water her plants when she is gone. Abandonment and dead plants do not make for a sturdy relationship foundation.

Umm, I love you?

More Free Time

I find it hard to admit, but during this last week I spent several hours dedicated to the task of organizing coins. "Why would anyone do this?" is probably a question that crossed your mind. The answer is simple, because I could. I had no other commitments for my time at that moment and I didn't feel like doing anything truly worthwhile so I organized coins. That is one great thing about being single. I have more free time to do whatever I want. I could watch 13 straight hours of Doctor Who, or spend all day reading up on fictional characters of upcoming movies, or try my hand at crafts. I am not saying I should do these things or that they are normal occurrences, but I could if I wanted to and that is the point.

In the past paragraphs I have shared a few of the wonders that surround the life of a single man, but such a life is not all gumdrops and jet packs. There are a few evils that darken the doorstep of this idyllic life, and that brings me to the worst parts about being single.  


People Bother You about Dating

There are few things that married people hate more than an unattached bachelor over the age of 25 (I guess I should say some married people). They feel like they are happy being married and that if you seem happy in any way as a single person you are committing a crime and must be stopped. At every turn they will hound you about who you are thinking about dating and when it will happen and why it hasn't happened yet and how many kids you want and if you have a neighborhood in mind where you will live and... you get the idea. They are like members of a fanatical cult and they are doing their best to turn you.


While the people mentioned above can be bad, family can be even worse. Every friend you bring home of the opposite sex is automatically thought of as a potential mate. "She seems like a sweet girl" "She has a good job" "She is a she" are all things that you might hear from the family after the person has left (or in the middle of a date if it is me). For the most part I have been lucky on this front. That is until now. I am looking at you Mom. I guess with the change in my situation she feels that it is time to get me hitched, and I miss the old carefree days of parental indifference. Sigh.

As long as you are single, people will not be content with that fact and will do their best to play match maker or life coach. It can be hard to handle, but such is the lot of the bachelor.

This next section isn't really a worry of mine (it probably should be), but it really has my friend Ricky in knots at times.

Your Developing Homemaker Skills Get Questioned

As you all may well remember Ricky moved out to a new place fairly recently. It was the first time since his mission that he wouldn't be living with his parents and he has flourished out on his own. Part of being in charge of a residence lies in a few domestic tasks that may seem a little less than manly. We have no issue in taking part of such things, but recently Ricky felt that he may be going too far. I will give you an excerpt of a recent email conversation we had. To give you some background I need to tell you that the house mates (Or maybe just Joshua) had purchased a patio set. It didn't have the greatest look so they were going to redo it.

Ricky: I may try and paint the table this weekend. We were actually thinking a lime green color. We'll see though.
Me: You could find some awesome fabric to go with that as well. I would say to not go with plain black for the seats, but if you do I won't cry. Much.
Ricky: Yeah we are going to the fabric store before we actually choose the color. I need a girlfriend.
Me: Or you need to not get one because that will damper the homemaker in you haha.
Ricky: Zac, I am repainting and reupholstering a table, then I'm going to buy stuff for gardening, there will be baking (I found new cookie recipes) and cross stitching. This may switch from "oh cute he's in touch with his feminine side" to "Oh Ricky? I love being around him because I can be me, that's what I love about gay men, he's gay right?"
Me: At least you are doing this for your own place. I am doing this for a place I don't even live. I love this fabric by the way, but it is probably more of a me thing.
Actual image of fabric mentioned above.
As you can see it is a real worry for single men that if they do any normal domestic tasks they might be unfairly labeled as something they are not. So in the end the table looks amazing and Ricky is still single...ladies?

Bonus Round

Being a true bachelor I love old video games and the fact that if you did well there was a bonus round. I am proud of all of you for sticking with this article to the end so here you all go.

Recently I was speaking with a coworker about the upcoming events of the Lost Boys (my Mom has taken to calling us this because of the fact that we never seem to grow up). I mentioned things like the Opera, Roller Derby and camping because we are awesome and do awesome things awesomely. Her reply to this was as follows.
now it's near impossible to go camping with two babies
plus all our friends have kids too
so it would be a fiasco
live it up being single yo-

I am going to take that to heart and life it up while I am single. Like most good things I am sure it will come to an end, but as I have been told that in this case the good will be replaced with something better.

To make up for that sappy ending enjoy a Kinkade Godzilla