Sunday, March 6, 2011

The Dukes See a Movie: Red Sonja

Last Wednesday we were passing time in our realm of Dukehood (otherwise known as Zac’s man cave) pondering how we were going to spend the rest of our night. Ideas of basketball and television were thrown around, seeing as how it was the middle of the week, we didn’t have any extravagant plans. We settled on searching the wonderful world of Comcast on Demand. After sifting through what was mostly garbage wrapped in more garbage we stumbled upon a movie that made two of the four Dukes quake in fear and rage: Red Sonja

As soon as this title came up both Coombsy and Zac reviled against the abomination, screaming all sorts of vulgar epitaphs in opposition to the validity of this movie as anything but rubbish, with Zac even going so far as to say it was the worst Five dollars he’s ever spent (and he has purchased a KFC Double Down) However our roots run deep in the belief of MST3K, and I was able to convince the rest of the group to watch Red Sonja, stating that we would be able to rip the movie to shreds laughing maniacally as we comically mangled what was being detested as one of the worst movies the two had ever seen. How I overestimated our abilities, and underestimated the power of this fell beast most foul.

The event started out in grand fashion; with our rapier wit we disemboweled this train wreck of a movie, shifting from one scene to the next picking out parts, characters, and lines like an African Lion picks out a weak or infirm water buffalo; we were unstoppable. We noticed things, like the fact than every character that wasn’t an absolute idiot, or at the very least was never definitively proven to be an absolute idiot, had an awesome hat or head piece, whereas the characters which repeatedly showed themselves the fool, were relegated to the realm of headpieceless…ness. We laughed as the main character, a ginger, stumbled through both her lines as well as her terribly choreographed fight scenes, like a drunk might stumble through a crowded...umm...area. And we cheered as Arnold Schwarzenegger basked in his own muscley glory, with little to no definitive purpose in the movie as a whole.

Unfortunately the triumph we felt from this brilliant discovery was short lived. As the movie dragged on I could feel what little was left of my soul being sucked out, my quick wit and cherubic attitude was slowly being worn away into anger and disillusionment. Despite all my boastings of the opposite happening, we were losing everything of which we were proud and held dear to this ghastly atrocity.

Coombsy left half way through the movie simply stating “I can’t take anymore of this” I tried to emasculate him with comments like “Don’t be a pansy, we can totally beat this movie” and “pansy” but inside I knew he was doing what was right, I knew that there was no way that we could succeed against a monster such as this, a monster the likes of which I had never before nor ever since, seen. Secretly I envied Coombsy’s courage to accept, nay, embrace, the inevitable. There were moments that I mumbled courageous words, mostly to myself, along the lines of “I’m gonna leave in a couple minutes” and “I’m tired, that’s why I’m not leaving” but in truth the movie had taken my will, I was Red Sonja’s, in mind, body and spirit, and try as I might, there was nothing that I could do about it.

After 89 minutes of torture, pain, and incomprehensible mental anguish, the movie mercifully ended. I was left in somewhat of a stupor, not knowing what to say, where to go, what to think. My world had been shattered in the time it takes to enjoy a decent meal. I desperately searched for someone to blame, someone had to pay for my suffering, but there was no culpable party but myself. I had attempted the impossible, and had paid the ultimate price.

In the end I view watching Red Sonja as a learning experience, but allow me to share with you all that there is to be learned from this movie and save you, dear reader, from having to pay a price of my folly. The lesson is simply this: Fun hats cannot save a movie.

I beg of you to avoid this movie at all costs. Treat it as you would a leper; attach a little bell to it and every time you hear said bell, run for your life. For those of you who feel that I am being overly dramatic about the whole situation, watch Red Sonja for yourself, and feel its wrath.

0 out of 5 stars.


I would like to take a moment to let everyone know just how I feel about how things went down. I WARNED HIM THAT IT WAS ONE OF THE WORST MOVIES EVER MADE!!! Ok now I feel a little bit better. In my own life Red Sonja stands out as one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made. I was an innocent young lad who made the mistake of buying a movie on a whim and boy did I pay for it. Red Sonja had faded to a dull throb in the back of my mind but that fateful night the pain returned with extra vigor.

Never watch this movie. Ever. If given the option of death by fire ants or watch Red Sonja, tell them to bring on the ants. I give you this advise as the only man living to have seen the movie twice. Please don't repeat my mistake. I promise you it isn't worth the suffering.


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