Thursday, June 5, 2014

A Journey in Hair

Haircuts have never been my favorite activity. To be honest they would be lucky to break the top hundred. Let me put it another way. I really do not like getting haircuts. They are quite the challenge for me. Every time I go I have to worry if they will understand what I am asking for and if I will be required to make small talk. I don't care about how your kid is always late to band practice. I want you to focus on my hair! One false move and I am down an ear. I like the look of having both of them thank you very much. It isn't that I am incapable of small talk or that I think they will take my head of hair and leave a devastated landscape that appears to be a cross between a friar and Flock of Seagulls, it is just everything that is involved combines together to be about as much fun as helping an old lady put tiny outfits on feral cats.

Those feral cats are looking like a pretty good idea right about now.

  Here are a few things I am talking about.

  1. I don't like strangers near my face. Do they have my best interest in mind or have I just stared into the eyes of my doom?
  2. The feel of cut hair sticking to your body. It never leaves. You take a shower, but days later you can swear it is still there mocking you. What was that? You don't like my outfit? You can be cruel, random haircut trimmings.
  3. Small talk. See above.
  4. Trying to describe what I want. I know what I want, I really do, but it is hard for me to get that idea across to someone else. I seem to be able to use my words to my advantage in most situations, but ask me about what cut I want and it'll seem like you are talking to a toddler.
I know that my dislike is irrational. Most of my friends get haircuts all the time. (Well not Coombsy, but we all know that he is like Sampson in that regard. No hair, no power.) They always tend to look nice after a good trim, but even that is not enough to push me into that hydraulic powered trap.

Doesn't seem shady at all...

After reading my random bursts of nonsense above, you probably have the idea in your mind that the only reasons for me to have my locks have to do with avoiding the barber at all costs. That is a fair assumption to come to, but that is not fully the case. Not only am I not a fan of haircuts I also happen to be a fan of me with hair of any length. I like me with short hair, but I also like it when my hair is longer. The following list includes some of the top reasons why I like my hair long.

  1. When I play tennis I can pretend I am Bjorn Borg. Being part Swede myself I have often enjoyed watching his game, and more importantly the way that he tamed his flowing mane with a sweatband.

    I wonder if he had the same tan line issues I am facing.
  2. My long hair is a constant challenge for my Dad. I wouldn't be surprised if one night in the near future I woke up with a buzz cut.
  3. I will be able to use my own hair for my Halloween costume. No need for a wig over here.
  4. When I finally do get my hair cut it will be long enough to donate to a charitable cause.
It is the last point that actually keeps the second point from happening. Once he realized that the hair will be donated, he stopped grumbling quite as much. One day this head of hair will be cut. One day I will rejoin the ranks of those who consider themselves clean cut. One day my lion's mane will be trimmed into the less ostentatious and less magical form of some other wild cat's hair. That day is not today. For today I will revel in the way my hair flows as I gently toss my head. I will walk the streets with hair that even the gods would envy (not really). I will enjoy this hair for as long as it lasts because it may never come again.

Drink it in.

Monday, February 10, 2014

The Intrepid Dukes attempt to become Belligerent Gentleman

The new year often ushers in the desire for changes in life. It is most likely due to the fact that the new year is often associated as a clean slate, a chance to change, although it might have a little to do with the fact that your favorite jeans managed to shrink over the holidays and you want them to fit again. (Clearly you could not have gained weight. That is ludicrous.) While our jeans may be tight that is not what we Dukes were looking to change as January rolled in. We wanted to become better gentlemen.

Top hat optional.
In order to protect the anonymity of certain Duke members I will refrain from including names in the following section. A certain Duke was at work and he had a conversation with a woman. The content of the conversation and the attitude of said lady led this man to question her honor in a conversation with another Duke by implying her promiscuity with people other than her husband (He called her a whore). The Duke with whom the first Duke conversed thought that it was a bit extreme and he called it conduct unbecoming a gentleman. They had a discussion about attempting to be better with their language in the moments following. These two Dukes brought this conversation to a third Duke and they all discussed what types of thing they were going to try to avoid in the future. A list was made and the third Duke mentioned that they might pay for each offense and the money would be put into a jar which would appropriately be named the "Conduct Unbecoming a Gentleman" jar, or CUBG for short.

To keep with the spirit of the jar the money was not to be used to benefit the offenders. To this end the Dukes decided that the money would be donated to a charity when they had a sufficient sum. The third Duke had some passing knowledge of a site called  This site makes loans to people in third world countries that need capital to start a business or improve life. The capital they receive helps them a ton and over 99% of the loans are repaid. That just means that as the jar grows and loans are repaid we can donate to other causes. We felt that it was a worthy cause and that it was a more gentlemanly move than using the money to buy ourselves pizza for our shady acts.

Probably shouldn't have made this before lunch...

So once we had decided what we were going to use the money for we decided we needed to list out our goals of what we wanted to change or avoid. Ladies and gentleman, I give you our official list of guidelines as they were originally written.

Conduct Unbecoming a Gentleman
A list of guidelines for The Belligerent Gentleman

In an effort to improve our behavior and curb any habits of ill repute, a list of guidelines and manners has been created to guide us towards a more gentlemanly state. All fines for uncouth behavior are set at 10 cents of the initial month. At the end of the initial month a review of the guidelines will take place to assess if some need to be removed and others added. The guidelines are as follows:

Salty language: This includes words commonly referred to as “swear words” as well as words such as: Dick, Douche or Douchebag and terms such as “piss off”.  When intended as an exclamation, the use of phrases such as “Son of a whore” and “Whores teeth” is not a C.U.B.G. offense.

Road rage: This refers to yelling, angry motions, phrases and words mentioned in Salty Language.

Speaking poorly of a lady: This includes sexist comments and jokes.

Cheating a fellow Gentleman: Cheating is not acceptable for a gentleman in games or life.

Seeking revenge or to teach someone else a lesson: Forgiveness is the sign of a Gentleman.

Seeking to make someone feel inferior: It is unbecoming of a Gentleman to put others down.

Speaking poorly of a stranger: A Gentleman will not criticize someone with whom he has never had a 

Using the word “Hate”: The word hate invites poor feelings.

Mind your table manners: Table manners are of the utmost importance

Using “Please” and “Thank You”: Use please and thank you when asking for things and receiving things.

Raising your voice with malicious intent: Yelling is not necessary.

Speaking negatively of others: It is not appropriate to put others down or speak negatively of them.

Be punctual: It is necessary to be punctual and make an effort to respect others time.

Phone etiquette: No phones at the table, step out if you need to take a call.

In true Duke fashion we plan on sealing this agreement by sealing our contract with bloody thumbprints next to our signatures. We know that we are not perfect and that we struggle at times to be good people, but we feel that this list and jar will help us become the people we should be. If you are with us and see us breaking one of these rules feel free to call CUBG on us, we need all the help we can get.

The contracts have been written up and are nearing the bloodletting stage, but for all of you people out there who would prefer not to see our blood I give you an untainted look at our contracts.

Hopefully CUBG will fulfill all that it was made to do, but if it doesn't the worst that will happen is a lot of donations to third world countries and some Dukes with lighter wallets.