Thursday, October 11, 2012

Five Reasons Why The Dukes Shouldn't Trust Women

After our wildly successful post about why women shouldn't trust us I felt like it needed a rebuttal. "Now hang on there partner", I can see you asking "didn't you write the last post?"  I did indeed write that post, but since no one else spoke up I decided that I would be the one to defend our honor. The last post was a gauntlet thrown and now I must stand for our honor and bandy words about (with myself) like a crisply performed riposte. So ladies prepare yourselves to be shocked and dismayed by the five reasons why The Dukes shouldn't trust women.

Shame on all of you who could even think of harming these poor innocent souls.
1. Ladies like to call into question Zac's heterosexuality

I don't know what it is but the womenfolk like to make assumptions about me. Now I am fine with some of them, like having them assume I am 6'4" because I seem tall-ish or even assuming I will know answers to random questions. Those assumptions are kind of nice because I like trivia and I really want to be 6'4", but from time to time other assumptions are made and they hurt(probably).

Here are a few facts about myself: I love musical theater and the opera, I enjoy singing, I like to wear the colors purple and pink, I have a ton of knowledge about colors and color schemes, I like to wear cuff links and pocket squares, I have held Coombsy's hand, but I also love the ladies and if I didn't hate dating so much I would probably have a girlfriend or something.

Look at that manly dancing

I bring this up because the other day I was at work minding my own business, writing a blog post. A student came up as they are wont to do and started asking questions. I was expecting "can you help me scan this?" or "where is the paper?". Instead I got "How many kids do you have?". That bummed me out a bit because it confirmed that I look old and like I am settled in a relationship. I told her no so then she asked me if I were married. Once again I said no and the lady fired right back with did I have a girlfriend. I said no and thought that was the end since she had started to turn away. Sadly she turned back and said "can I ask you a personal question?".

That blew my mind because I thought that all of them had been personal questions so I managed to get out a husky yet confused "yeah". At that moment I wasn't sure what to expect, but when the words "are you straight?" came out I realized that those words were clearly ones I had not expected. I said yes and she just responded with an "oh okay." and was on her way. I will admit I was wearing a pink shirt at that moment with a pink tie and matching cuff links, but I was also watching football. What was it about me that made her think I was gay?

No that isn't it...

Other ladies have also joked about it when I mention any of the things I listed above. I think I have figured out why the question comes up from time to time. It is because ladies can't believe that a man like me is still on the market. Well ladies you can bet your britches I am, and I like it that way.

Coombsy faces his Delilah

Many of you know that Coombsy loves basketball almost as much as he loves sleeping, and that is saying something. If he is ever late (he is always late) you can just assume that he fell asleep because his bed is "super comfy". I prefer to believe that it is because he has mono. Back to the original point... He loves basketball and actively seeks to play in as many games as possible. Who can blame him? He has a competitive advantage over the rest of the field. I don't mean his height or his speed, but rather his hair.

Let me set the scene. Image Coombsy is driving down the lane. You look down at the ball in his hand and then back up to his face. As he moves his hair starts to flow and you find yourself entranced. There is nothing you can do but stare and the graceful way it bounces to and fro. As you are watching the hair Coombsy has made his move past you and is now about to score an easy basket. You think about pushing him midair, but you don't want others to judge you as a poor sport so you let it happen. That is what happens when you play Coombsy for the first 50 or so times. I have finally built up immunity, but it takes time.

Imagine those locks bouncing at you. You are helpless!
For a while things were going along great for Coombsy and his hair. He played ball and played it well. He even made the transition over to dreadlocks and it worked for him. As with many men, when things were going well he went and got himself a girlfriend. She was (is) a nice girl and they had good times together. Sadly this woman would turn out to be his Delilah.

I am sure you all remember the story of Sampson. He was a man of incredible strength, but that strength depended on him not cutting his hair. As was wise to do Sampson didn't let the secret get out. He kept it close to his chest. He would have been fine except for a woman who decided that Sampson needed to go. She kept poking around asking him what his weakness was (and trying to trap him using that secret) until finally he gave in and told her the real deal. She took that knowledge and shaved him up and he ended up blind and in prison. It is a sad tale but it just is there to teach us that women are capable of making men to dumb things, especially when it comes to hair.

For some reason this lady friend decided that Coombsy would look better with short hair so she used her feminine wiles to get him to cut off his luxurious locks. Coombsy having been taken by the charms of a woman (they are quite powerful) did as he was told and ended up with a shorn scalp. That move cost him much more than hair in the end.

He went from Casanova to Mario in moments. 

Without his hair he lost his edge in basketball. Anyone could guard the new Coombsy. The first game out I had three blocks on him and I looked like an all-star. It is a sad tale, but let it stand as a lesson to you women out there. If you date Coombsy and ask him to cut his hair you are asking more than you can possibly imagine.

All the women want to marry Danny

For some reason Danny is a lady magnet. I mean who would have ever thought that a ginger of middling height would be so sought after? Okay fine there are a lot of reasons. He is a great guy and fun to be a round. I think it might be the childlike sense of wonder (or Peter Pan-edness if you prefer) that people enjoy. This has had some consequences in the past.

I won't delve too deeply or say too much, but there have been at least three clear cases of women going bananas for a taste of that sweet ginger. They didn't just want him for a moment, they wanted him for life. Unfortunately for them Danny was not looking for the same thing and it ended up getting pretty ugly.

That face just screams "Marry ME!!"

Now that I think about it that really isn't a reason why we shouldn't trust women. It seems more like a reason why women shouldn't trust us. Oh no... Umm please ignore that part. PS congrats to Kailey for finally taming this man.

Women love to hate our movies

We love to watch movies. It is how we pass most of our time, and we will not apologize for it. For the most part you know that is what we are going to be doing and so there is no reason to be surprised. You have entered this world of your own free will and choice so therefore you should not be allowed to complain heartily about what you were forced to watch. Do I complain when I have been out shoe shopping for five hours? No I do not. Mainly because I make the choice beforehand not to go to something I will hate. If for some reason I do go I hold in my sad rage because I had a choice, and in the words of a wise old Templar "[I] ha[d] chosen poorly". I feel it should be same for the ladies. If they don't like the movie they should suffer in silence.

As you can see the ladies have not always treated us as the soft delicate creatures we are. It has left us emotionally scarred and unable to trust (untrue). We will do our best to overcome this because, dag nabbit, the world needs more Dukes.

*For those of you counting you are correct in that there are actually only four reasons on this list. For weeks I tried to think of five and I failed. I guess the facts have been made clear. We are worse to the ladies than they are to us.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

The Dukes See a Movie: Hotel Transylvania

Adam Sandler has not had the best of luck movie-wise lately. He has put out such gems as That's My Boy, Jack and Jill, and Grown Ups and that only takes us back to 2010. I guess he had fallen under the curse that can come from being successful. When you do something well people will give you freer reign. As time moves on you get more and more freedom until you are answering to no one so there isn't anyone to tell you if something is stupid or a bad idea. The same thing happened to M. Night Shamalan. In the beginning his movies were good, but by the end he was the writer, director and producer for his movie The Happening and it was awful, straight up garbage. We need to have someone look at our work and give us another point of view or else we are doomed to have some mistakes. With this in mind I was wary of seeing this movie. Adam Sandler has had too much freedom and I really just hoped that this wasn't the case in this film.

As the film started I as struck by the visuals more than anything. The animators had done quite the job making the film look polished and more believable. I have to hand it to Sony Pictures Animation, they have put out a few quality movies in their short history. I enjoyed Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs and also The Pirates! Band of Misfits.

I didn't have a good segue so...segway!

To start the movie out we see Count Dracula taking care of his baby girl. We find out that his wife was taken from them and so he wanted to make a place for his daughter that would be safe. He decides that this place should be a haven for all monsters so he builds a giant hotel that should be far out of the reach of all humans. If you haven't guessed the plot of the rest of the movie yet shame on you. As the daughter gets older she feels confined and wants to explore the world. The dad is overly protective and wants her to stay no matter what. To top it off a human manages to show up right in time to mess with the birthday party!

With the concept of this movie I felt there was so much more that they could have done to make it not just decent, but excellent. While this movie followed very common plot lines I still enjoyed it for the most part. I guess the movie did have some good morals for us to learn like not judging people before you know them. So I guess I learned to avoid prejudice or something. I will have to admit that Shrek did a better job at broaching that subject but oh well.

A better movie than the one I am writing about.

If my post feels a bit disjointed and rambly(new word) that is because I have been super bored writing this review. If I don't love it or hate it I just can't get any good emotion going. Maybe if I think about awesome that just makes me sad because I am doing this and not taming a panda dragon. Maybe if I think about things that make me sad or angry...ZAC SMASH!! ...that was a terrible plan! Now my shirt is all in tatters and this student center cleanup is going to be a doozy. I blame you Hotel Transylvania for not being good or bad enough to write about!

So if you have nothing better to do go ahead and see this movie, although I will warn you that Adam Sandler does have a brief moment where he raps. Not cool Sandler, not cool.

Rating: 2.5 Stars