Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The Dukes See a Movie: What to Expect When You're Expecting

I would like to write a quick disclaimer before I proceed with my review. If there is anyone out there reading that liked this movie I would recommend that you do not read this review because it could ruin our friendship. Consider yourselves warned. So here goes...

Wow, just wow. Not the good wow wherein you say "wow I just found five dollars in my laundry what a grand day this is turning out to be" but it is more akin to "wow I just lost my leg to a cannon ball on this golf course."

(Legal Fake Flashback)

The sun was shining high in the sky and a warm breeze was lazily flowing by from the East. I was lining up my chip on the ninth hole when I heard a strange noise and began to ponder. "What is that whistling sound? It sounds like a red tail hawk is trying to board a train." I decided to push the sound from my thoughts and focus on the shot since I had a small sum riding on the outcome of this game.

As I started to swing I felt a white heat in my leg and as I began to look down the moment seemed to freeze as I entered into shock. My mind refused to make sense of what I was seeing. My leg had seemingly disintegrated. The cannonball has reduced my knee into a hot red cloud of blood and bone fragments as the muscles were shredded into an unrecognizable heap of tissue and ligaments. As the moment slowly passed I was stunned by a searing pain as the nerve signals exploded in my brain as I fell to the ground screaming. It felt as if I were being tormented by the devil himself as I slowly faded into unconsciousness. That is how I feel about this movie except I had to face it without the sweet release of nothingness or fading into oblivion or unconsciousness.

I would still be doing this if it were not for good friends and the fact I had to go to work.
If that short story (which I wrote right after the movie while I was still full of the rage juices) isn't proof enough of how much I hated this movie I will go ahead and keep going using my favorite tool the bullet point.

  • This movie is overly crude. It throws in crass comments in places that they were clearly not needed. It was quite evident that they did it in an attempt to be funny but they failed miserably.
  • The movie taught me that women are only good for one thing. (actual line from the film) "I can't give you children which is the one thing women are supposed to do." 
  • The movie had random inconsistencies. There is a part where a girl is having a baby shower and her cousin isn't there but for some reason this same cousin has gone to visit the woman in the hospital. If you are close enough to see her in the hospital you would have clearly been invited to the baby shower that had hundreds of people in attendance. It is as if the writers decided halfway through the film that the needed to connect these characters somehow.
I had a flashback of the film and I just couldn't go on.

  • It was very poorly written. I didn't do my due diligence and research this film or else I would have seen this coming since the writers also wrote the new Freaky Friday.
  • The previews were all lies. To be honest the movie wasn't our choice but we figured we would go along because we had picked pretty much all the other movies we had seen this year and we felt we should let someone else choose. We had seen a few things in the previews that looked like they could be funny but they were not. It was all lies and may they all be thrust down to Hell for those lies!
  • It appeared that this movie was written by a bunch of three to thirteen year old boys. It was chock full of jokes about farts and peeing yourself and I don't find that super amusing. I am not even a very mature person but I just thought it was ridiculous and trite.
  • It had stupid side stories that didn't seem to fit in the movie and didn't help me care about the characters at all. Like with the story line of Dennis Quaid the race car driver and his relationship with his son. It was never resolved and its inclusion made no sense.  
 I think we all need a short break from my ranting so here goes another foray into the wonderful world of having your mind blown. Besides looking a lot alike both men pictured above have portrayed Gandalf. Ian McKellen of course played him in the trilogy from the last decade and John Huston portrayed the character in the 1977 animated version of the Hobbit. I wonder if having the beard got them the part or if being in the part granted them the beard.

Back to ranting

  • The film tried too hard to connect all of the characters (except the black ones those racists) and failed in having the movie make a lot of sense.
  • One of the kids looked like Droopy Dog.
  • The movie made fun of ugly kids which isn't something the kids can do much about.
  • The movie also taught us that it is okay for guys to be terrible at nurturing children. The movie mentioned the guys doing all of the following things: dropping babies, forgetting them at random locations, letting them eat cigarettes, having the kids suffer random head injuries and playing with dead animals. Why is it okay to portray men in this manner? Also why are they giving guys out there these terrible examples of parenthood?
  • The director also happened to direct the film Nanny McPhee.
  • There was little to no chemistry amongst the characters. Part of the problem there is that the film lacked a fluid and coherent story as well as any semblance of pace. I found myself rooting for bad things to happen to the characters just to see if I could still feel anything or to see if I truly had died inside.
Never see this movie. Even if you are offered ten grand or your freedom from a kidnapping you should never see this movie. After leaving the theater is a stupor I began to enter in to a blind rage. I said mean things to the people that liked the movie (I said that my taste was akin to Shakespeare and their taste was closer to Danielle Steele. Lucky for me they didn't really get it or they would have been quite offended) and for that I would like to apologize, but be warned if you recommend another movie like this one I will consider it an act of war.

Rating 0 Stars and may God have mercy on your souls.


  1. I loved this review, and not just because we are friends and I find you amusing. :)

    1. haha why thank you. I aim to please...well myself at least, but if it passes on to others so much the better.