The Dukes See a Movie: Cabin in the Woods

Even giants enjoy Rubik's cubes

Fresh off the mind numbing blahness we experienced with Wrath of the Titans (It really wasn't that bad) we decided we needed something to cleanse our desensitized palates. I have a soft spot in my heart for Joss Whedon and we hadn't seen a good slasher/horror film in a while. This may make me a terrible person (it does), but I am a fan of violent movies (not torture porn like the Saw movies though) and I heard that this one fit the bill and boy did it ever.

As I was getting started on this blog post I kept thinking of how I could write a review without giving away the movie but I realized I couldn't. So to all of you who have not seen the movie and would like to you should stop reading now because I am going to give away everything. Not most things but everything. Minds will be blown and robots will gain emotions. That is how much I will be giving away. If you are still reading do not blame me if you feel cheated I warned you I will even throw this in for good measure.

*SPOILER ALERT*

There I got that out of the way. This movie is not in any way your traditional horror film. It turns the whole genre on its head kind of like Shaun of the Dead with zombie movies, and Tucker and Dale vs Evil with hillbilly murder movies. It also has the makings to have quite the cult following like Evil Dead 2 and Dead Alive. 

As the movie starts we see five friends as they gather together for a trip up to a cabin in the woods (hence the title of the movie). They each fit into one of the stereotypical categories that we always see in horror movies. We have the Whore, Athlete, Scholar, Fool and Virgin. (If you have seen a horror movie in the last twenty years you can attest to this list)

The cast of approximately 4 billion movies

While this is going on it pulls away to a large facility that seems to be prepping for the camping trip of these five people as well.  As they start to discuss what is happening we find out that there are facilities like this one is many different countries. They state that many have already failed but they still have a chance between them and Japan to make sure it is completed. At this time you are still unsure as to what they are trying to do.

Back with the group of friends they have passed their token scary gas station attendant that warned them about the cabin and they start settling in. It seems cozy but there are a few random items that give it that creepy feel such as a stuffed wolf head that is baring its fangs, a super creepy painting of an animal being butchered and a one way mirror underneath said painting. 

Back in the facility you hear the two guys in charge of the project start taking bets on how the kids are going to die and you finally get a glimpse as to what they are trying to do. According to them there are things called ancients deep underground and to appease them there need to be sacrifices made. In the US it happens to be the five character types we listed above but the virgin is an optional kill as long as she is the last one to die. It doesn't what country succeeds in the sacrifice as long as it happens. There are many different ways that the kids can die and so in an effort to lighten what they are doing they bet.

Death by Unicorn would be my preferred method.

Back in the house the kids are upstairs having a good time when out of nowhere the cellar door pops open and of course they go down to investigate. The cellar is full of all sorts of odds and ends. They start peeking through things and finally a girl starts reading out of a diary. She reads the passage and she ends it by reading the Latin phrase which we all know is a bad sign. As she finishes we see a zombie family start rising from the ground. Back in the control room the bets are over and as it turns out maintenance and Ronald the intern both won with their pick of the redneck torture family! 

Things in the cabin start to progress as different gases and things are pumped into the house to make them act more like their stereotypes because no one in real life would act as stupid as the characters in these movies do without some mind altering agent. The Athlete and Whore go outside and start engaging in hanky-panky and as this happens the whore gets taken in out by redneck zombie number one.

One by one the characters start dying until the only one left is the Virgin and since she doesn't need to die the gods are appeased... but wait what is that? It isn't over yet? The Fool somehow survived his back stab wound and is once again numbered amongst the living. In an attempt to hide they enter in the graves of the redneck family and they discover something shocking. There is a random power box in there. The fool manages to get the top open and they see it is an elevator and they start heading down. 

See totally not dead.

Their compartment is one of many cubes in a maze of constantly moving blocks. Each cube holds its own horror from the blackboard list plus some others that were not mentioned. The operators see them in there and bring the cube down so they can finish them off. As they are being escorted out the dismembered hand of one of the zombies stabs a guard and the Fool and the Virgin manage to escape. In an attempt to increase the mayhem they start releasing all of the creatures and it turns into a bloodbath as all the guards and members of the staff start getting knocked off by all the random monsters.

So to wrap up in the end the Fool doesn't get killed and since Japan had failed as well the ancients were released and so as the movie ends you know that the world is also at an end. I am sorry that I didn't go off on many tangents with this one but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I do however have some random trivia for you. The Latin that she reads is grammatically incorrect in that it is not conjugated correctly. For all you grammar nerds out there I will even include what is said in the first sentence (Dolor supervivo caro) and what it should be (Dolor supervivit carnem). No need to thank me.

I really enjoyed this movie. It was very well made and Joss Whedon lived up to my expectations. 

Rating: 4.5 Stars