Thursday, December 30, 2010

May the Guessing Game Continue

One of life's great mysteries was once again brought to the limelight in recent post by none other than Spencer Hansen. He postulated that the best debate of the decade was how much does Zac Ronér actually weigh.  I am here to say that some things are best left undiscovered.

Throughout history the weight of the true greats has always been unknown. A few classic examples include Optimus Prime, Steven Seagal, Santa Claus and Zac "16 ton" Ronér. (Note: The nickname is self given and comes from the song of the same name. The best part is 1:58 into the song.)
Zac looking manly in flowery trunks.
The knowing of one's true weight is to have a certain power over a person, kind of like how you get wishes if you capture a leprechaun's gold. It is a secret that most men have forgotten but most women remember. Go ahead ask a woman her weight. I dare you. Now if you followed my dare I am pretty sure it didn't turn out too well for you.  In my case it is essential that my true poundage remains unknown since it is the source of my Sampson-esque strength. He had the hair and I have the mystery mass.

So for those of you out there that desire to join the greats in their secrets I have a few avoidance techniques.

  • First: Give random ranges when asked your weight. For example: "I weigh more than a spider monkey but less than a bull walrus" or "I weigh more than a guppy but less than Shaq". This will do wonders in throwing people off the scent.
  • Second: If you see the weight guesser at Lagoon or other amusement parks, run. Don't worry about the stares just hightail it out of there and seek shelter. 
  • Third: Don't let anyone near you as you step on a scale. The doctor's office has proven to be the downfall of many.
  • Fourth: If someone is attempting to guess your weight, stop them. This can be done by way of a punch to the throat or a sock in the mouth or just by yelling "Fire!" and running screaming down the hall. Just make sure that they are completely thrown off topic.
Just try and guess his weight.
So in conclusion I would like to say that yes my weight is a great mystery and it is one that I hope goes unsolved for many years to come.


1 comment:

  1. You are the Optimus Prime of the basketball court. I cannot wait for your healing to take place.