Saturday, March 17, 2012

Operation: Kill Frederick

A few weeks ago the Dukes decided to enter into a new and difficult mission. This mission would involve killing Frederick. "Who is Frederick and why should we care?" you might ask. Frederick is the name I have given my stomach and you should care because it involves me and I am awesome (citation needed). Recently we (Ricky and I) decided enough was enough.  It was time to make a commitment to weight loss. My big moment of realization came when I saw a picture of myself hiding another person with my body. Oh yes there is another person lying down past me. It isn't even a child it is a 200 pound man who happens to be named Coombsy.

How long have I had four legs?!

 Being my size is not something new to me. At the tender age of twelve I was nearly 6'2" and weighed in at a solid 287. I was so big that the librarian of my junior high tried to kick me out stating "this library is for students only!" I answered back meekly "but I do go to school here." I then showed my student ID and the librarian was speechless (so speechless she never said another word to me during my time in that school). My lifelong dream has been to be 6'4". At twelve things were looking good but for some reason fate decided to leave me half an inch short of 6'3". I hate you so much fate. Give me my inch and a half!! Oh sorry I lost myself for a moment in my rage and it caused me to get off topic.

I like who I am and I love my life but there are a few things I would enjoy if I lost some weight. Since I love lists and bullets points you can kind of guess what is coming. I would love to...

  • Be able to buy clothes at a normal retail store and not online. Don't get me wrong I love online shopping but clothes can be a gamble if you aren't able to try them on. Also I can't trust pictures I see of the clothes. I swear they are out to trick me and force me into buying a shirt that appears to be the color of a highlighter that is hopped up on a cocktail of steroids and crack.
  • Be able to tie my shoes like a normal person. A friend once told me you could tell an overweight person just by looking at shoelaces. A skinny person ties it in the middle whereas a larger person often has the knot on the side. It is a simple fact that bending over with a stomach causes the legs to go out wider and changes the angle of attack on the shoe.
My shoe as I write this post. I know I need to shine them. Don't judge me.
  • Be able to jump. Right now when I play basketball my guess is you would be hard pressed to get a piece of paper between my shoe and the floor. I can only imagine what it would be like to go shredding through the strata like some kind of magical sky leopard.
  • Be able to touch my toes. This is one that has left me only in recent years. I have been able to touch my toes most of my life but now I find myself a few inches away. Cutting a few inches off the waist should do the trick (that or actually stretching or doing yoga).
  • Be able to win at hide and seek (or any game that involves concealing your person). Right now my hiding places are quite limited. I can only go where a bull rhino would also be able to tread and since that is the case I am usually pretty easy to find. 
Losing weight doesn't mean everything will be all grand and life will be strewn with flowers. There also is a bit of a downside that I feel like I need to share.

  • The torpedo of doom will become the torpedo of meh. For those of you that are confused the torpedo of doom is an event that involves a few things: one water slide, one water slide pad, and nearly 800 pounds of men. This is a special treat that we usually serve up at Crystal Hot Springs. It involves Coombsy, Ricky and I going down at the same time on one pad. It is one of the greatest things involved in our trips there. That being the case if we lose weight we will lose part of the fun of these trips. 
  • I will not be able to absorb a punch or a cannonball to the stomach nearly as well when Frederick is gone. I have not had to take a cannonball yet but I am sure one day it will be needed and won't I look foolish if that day comes and I have lost my padding.
I know this day is coming.

  • I will no longer be mistaken as an albino Polynesian or as a Buddha with hair.  I like it when that happens and if I lose the weight that will be gone. 
  • My post called May the Guessing game Continue will be irrelevant. As a recreational writer I don't know if I could handle that blow.
All in all it looks like I should go ahead and lose the weight (partly because my sister is a registered dietitian and she feels shame every time she looks at food choices).   So since we have decided to take this plunge you out there should be our support. For example if you see me going for a second cookie don't hesitate to take me down (I would recommend going for the knees).

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