Monday, March 26, 2012

Deaf with Rage: A True Story of Things I Hate

For the most part I would say I am a very calm fellow. I am often compared to a teddy bear and my passing is often marked with the phrase "awwwe I just want to squeeze him" (From time to time these feeling get acted upon). I wear glasses and button up shirts and I have the gentle voice of a much smaller man (I like to think of this smaller man as a horse whisperer or a narrator for a children's television series) I do not like confrontation and I get along with pretty much everyone that crosses my path, but in the spirit of full disclosure there are a few exceptions to that rule. This post is meant as a catharsis of some of these feelings. I will share my hate in an attempt to lessen it, or at worst to convert some of you to the cause.

1. Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and anything to do with the Patriots*.

I am a Colts fan and as such I have been conditioned to hate the Patriots. Although I feel that I might take it a wee bit too far. To explain myself here I will try and describe fully what I feel about them. If I saw Tom Brady (or Bill Belichick) on the street I would literally jump out of my car and leave it to the mercy of the road gods and sprint towards him as fast as my hefty frame would let me and once I arrived I would dragon kick him in the face.

Substitute the baby for Tom Brady and this image is pretty spot on.

My hatred is almost fanatical. At times I almost feel a loss for the Patriots is better than a win for the Colts. If a win for the Colts can be compared to getting a free cupcake then a loss for the Patriots would be like getting to punch Tom Brady in the face (even my analogies involve hating the Patriots). Both things are quite awesome but it does make it pretty hard to compare my feeling and say which I enjoy more.

*Exception: Vince Wilfork

There is only one thing about the Patriots that I don't hate and that is the nose tackle Vince Wilfork. No matter how hard I try it is just not possible for me to hate him. He is an enormous man. He makes me look petite and that is really not a common occurrence. He is very easy going and seems to have a good time on the field while at the same time performing quite admirably. The only thing that would make this man better would be if he were to join another team. Any team. I mean seriously any team would do.

How can you not like this man?

2. 100%+

As most of you out there know I love me some numbers and counting, but there is one thing I cannot stand. It is when people say they are going to give more than 100%. It isn't possible!! If you have 10 apples can you give me 110% of them? No you can't! You can't magically give me 11 apples out of your 10 and if you try there must be something seriously wrong with you. Gah! Just thinking about this has me all hot and bothered.


There are a few exceptions to this rule and the first is if a teacher gives extra credit. If that happens it means that the test/paper can have a score over 100% and I am totally cool with that. Next if you are quantifying an increase in terms of percentage there are many situations in which the number will be over 100%. For example you could say that national debt per person has increased 450% since the 70's (taking into account inflation) and I wouldn't have a problem with that (well the percentage part of it anyways).

I love you whoever wrote this.

3. Using the wrong direction term.

I am quite good at directions and I really never get lost so that being the case I am not super forgiving when it comes to some things involving directions. Let us say we are going on a trip to Canada. We are going to have a grand time for sure but when we tell people about the trip we might say something like "we are going up to Canada for the week to hunt bears". It is fairly common to say something along those lines, but sometimes people say it more like this, " we are going down to Canada to be eaten by bears because apparently we are too stupid to realize that Canada is north of us so clearly we aren't going down to Canada, but due to our lack of intelligence we will probably forget our guns and become bear fodder."

In the grand scheme of things it is not a big deal but man it rankles me so much. Next time you hear someone say the wrong term I would request that you give that person a solid punch or at least a glare if the person is really big and scary looking.

Exception: If you are talking about elevation there is chance I will let it slide as long as you make me aware that elevation is your focus.

4. Snitches

This one shouldn't need a lot of discussion. Snitches get stitches and that is all there is to it.

I dedicate this to you random person in the Taylorsville 2nd ward.
Exception: None


  1. I agree, you do have the soft voice of a narrator of a children's show. It soothes the troubled soul in the resource center.

    1. haha finally the confirmation I was looking for.