Sunday, March 4, 2012

5 reasons why women should not trust the Dukes

This post is not an easy one for me to write for several reasons. First off this is severely going to hinder our chances at getting dates, but I figure that there are some things that you ladies need to know before you get involved with us. Secondly this post fills me with shame for the things we have done.

We as a group try our best to be chivalrous. We open doors for ladies, automatic shotgun goes to the lady and we try and compliment more than criticize (except with Andrea and I am not quite sure why). As you read through this post try and remember that we aren't bad guys at heart. We just had some poor lapses in judgment.

I mean look at our childlike sense of wonder. We could never do any harm on purpose.

ONE: Zac values the safety of a tire over that of a girl.

I figured I would but mine in first to get the pain over with. On a lovely fall weekend we decided it would be a great idea to go camping. We spent an awesome night cavorting and chopping things down (only dead trees so stop judging). The morning came and after we cleaned up we were spending the last of our time playing horse shoes, cards and the like.

In that atmosphere I decided I would engage in a feat of strength (it wasn't even for Festivus). It was a foolhardy move, one that I have regretted in the past few years. Nearby there were a few poles that had tires cemented to the bottom to be used for volleyball (or tether-ball if you are really lonely). In my sleep deprived state I thought "you know what would be a great idea? We should tip this pole over and have someone cling to the tire free end and I will dead lift the whole apparatus." I decided to ignore the fact that the pole is much thicker than the weight lifting bars and the fact that these poles love to rotate once you have them in hand. Right now I find myself at a loss for words so I will just show you the video.

Oh the shame I feel! This type of event cannot be justified but I will let you in on what I was thinking during the event.

ME: Okay I have her in the air now time to focus on the tire.
ME: The tire is starting to come up so that is good.
ME: Oh no Coombsy is no longer holding on to the tire and the bar is starting to rotate like they are wont to do!
ME: I had better let this tire down gently.
ME: Perfect. The tire is on the ground.
ME: I can just let go of the other end because there isn't anything I am forgett...ASHLEY!
ME: Phew she is okay.
ME: I guess it is time for me to give the camera a sheepish grin

There you have it, one big reason why I can't be trusted by the ladies. The worst part is that I tried this again with a dude and you guessed it. I did not drop him.

Pictured: Me NOT dropping him.
TWO: Ricky is a not a lover but a fighter ( a slapper and a biter)

Ricky is probably the last person I would accuse of being violent towards women. He has had chivalrous notions pounded into his head for decades by his mother (who happens to be a saint so don't tell Ricky otherwise). That in mind makes these following stories all the more shocking.

Can you see any harm in this man?

The first takes place like most good stories in Ricky's dimly lit basement (I am talking about movie watching. Get your mind in check.). We had just finished watching something entertaining and a girl decided it would be a good idea to repeatedly poke Ricky in the side. Jokingly Ricky threatened to backhand her with his ring hand since he had just purchased a new large ring. To demonstrate this threat Ricky started to move his hand in the back handing motion. Unfortunately (mainly for her) McKell decided to lean in for another poke at the same time.

SMACK! His hand went across her face and the room had been shocked into silence. I am not proud to admit this but I just started to laugh.  This next story also made me laugh because in this case he meant to do it and it was well deserved.

Sadly I was not able to witness this one first hand so I had to gather together the statements of all parties involved so I could write about this event that has nearly become legend. A group of our friends had gone to Lagoon. I didn't go because I was working and I just don't like Lagoon. While waiting in line Ricky said some snarky comment. (this is Ricky so you shouldn't be shocked.) In response to this a girl started to dig her fingernails into his face.

As you can imagine he did not like this one bit. As she was digging away, her thumb entered Ricky's mouth. He told her to stop or he would bite. She didn't stop so he chomped down. Hard.

Molding of Ricky's teeth
Instead of letting go this girl started digging even more. As you can imagine Ricky bit down harder. Eventually she let go and Ricky was declared the victor. "How can there be a victor?" you might ask. The answer is tears. Her tears were proof that she had clearly lost that encounter.

THREE: Danny hits every girl in the face with anything that can be thrown, rolled, tossed or pitched.

Danny likes to throw things. It can be stones in a pond or footballs in a park. Normally that is not a bad thing. It is a good way to get off his boyish energy. Every once in a while the dark side of this rears its ugly head and he hits people in the face with things repeatedly.

Shown here throwing himself

I am not going to put down too many individual tales since this is a very common occurrence but I will give you just a taste. Back in high school Danny and I were in a few plays as musicals together. On one such occasion we were not needed on the stage so we were passing the time rolling a large nut back and forth (as in a nut and bolt). It was quite entertaining to us until Danny decided to give it a good shove. It took a wicked curve and headed straight towards the prone form of a napping girl. As it collided with her eyebrow it made a metallic clang. The sound is what shocked us the most. My guess is that the girl was actually a robot (If you ignore the blood and stitches that were required), but it still was a girl and he hit her in the face .

Other things that he has thrown at people include: snowballs(many times) footballs, baseballs, baseball bats, candy pumpkins, basketballs, skittles...and the list goes on and on. So the big thing you should take from this is if you hear us yell duck we really do mean it.

FOUR: Coombsy squeals like a girl when frightened

I couldn't finish this list if I hadn't included all of the Dukes so I dug deep to find something for Coombsy which was hard since he is such a nice guy. After a while of brainstorming I remembered one event that happened many(read: 2) years ago...

It was a dark and eerie night. We had concluded a night of movie watching in Ricky's basement. All the lights were out and even the glow of the T.V. had been shut off. We were busily engaged in chatting when I noticed some movement at my side. For this story to make sense I need to give you guys some perspective on the layout of the room. The T.V is against the east wall. On the opposite side starting at the northern most item we had a couch, a recliner and a lovesac. Coombsy was on the couch, I was in the recliner and Danny was on the lovesac.

The movement I had noticed was Danny sliding off the love sac and creeping slowly behind my chair. When he noticed I saw him he motioned for me to remain quiet and to pretend I was talking to him in his original spot. Slowly he moved behind me. Once he passed the obstacle he slowly rose up, but no one had seen him so he went back down. The next time he came up he was closer still. Finally Coombsy noticed him. Danny slowly reached out his hand and as he touched Coombsy's leg we heard the girliest squeal/scream/shriek any of us had ever heard. It was amazing. He had seen Danny rise up and he hadn't been fazed. It wasn't until he had been touched that his lady noises came out.

Take away the mustache and touch his leg and he could pass as a girl.

  FIVE: Movies

As should be pretty evident by now we are big movie watchers. With this comes the fact that we will see some terrible shows in our quest for entertainment. Women have often been forced to suffer through these movies because we don't warn them beforehand what we are planning on watching. It is a big problem for us seeing as how the complaint we hear the most often is "That was a terrible movie! Why did you make me watch that?"  The thing is we don't have an answer. We don't know why we watched that, but it is too late for us to unwatch it.

We always have hope that a movie will be entertaining or if worst comes to worst that we will be able to ridicule it into submission Mystery Science Theater 3000 style. We don't promise that they will all be winners but we will do our darnedest to make it an enjoyable issue. This is something that we should tell people before they come over but what can I say? We are not to be trusted.

I hope that after recoiling in horror at reading what we have done that you will be able to see how these events have shaped us and come to forgive us. If you are unable to do so I will understand. This is my hope and my prayer. I bid thee adieu.


  1. WOW!!! I am so glad I came across this blog, not only is it entertaining, it was good to re-live the story of getting hit in the face with the bolt!! If I recall correctly, I had a nice black eye for a school Dance. GOOD TIMES!!! (BTW- I'm not really a robot :D )

    1. I am glad you cleared up the whole robot thing. It has bothered me for years haha. I felt so bad right after it happened.

  2. I think it was funny. And its a good story behind the scar above my eye. :)

  3. I couldn't agree with number five more! Hence why I no longer see movies with you fellas! Despite all the reasons not to trust each of you... you make my world a better place. (Don't tell Ricky... I like him to believe he is a pain in my side)

    1. Don't worry I will make sure I keep Ricky in the dark haha.

  4. You've starred in some phenomenal videos in your day, sir Zac.