Saturday, May 7, 2011

The Dukes Start a Firm

As many of you may have noticed by this point, we’re kind of a movie based group of guys. Lots of quotes from movies, lots of ideas from movies, lots of time spent watching movies. So recently when Zac and I were watching a movie called the Green Street Hooligans (4 out of 5 stars) we learned about a lifestyle that we had never even heard about before, that of soccer firms. Now for those of you who aren’t intimately familiar with the details of soccer in Great Britain, a familiarity I did not have before watching this movie (honestly I still don’t have it); one thing that they apparently do over there is create what are called firms. A firm is basically a gang that goes to the soccer games and afterwards organizes fights with the other team’s firm. In the movie it’s portrayed as an extremely violent group of guys, with some people even dying during the brawls and random bystanders having their head bashed into the dinner table because they couldn’t keep their girlfriend quiet while one of the members of a firm was trying to have conversation (legitimate reason for a beating right?). These firms aren’t quite a gang like you would normally think of it because what you get with gangs like the Mafia (Russian or Cosa Nostra whichever you prefer) or the Bloods and the Crips is an almost businesslike attitude. They sell drugs, pimp out prostitutes, and collect protection money among other lucrative activities. What you have with a soccer firm is essentially super-fans with some anger issues. So as Zac and I were watching this movie, we both independently came to the same completely logical, rational and safe decision: The Utah Jazz needs a firm, and we’re going to be it.

I'd imagine this is what the members of the firm will look like
Becoming the firm for the Utah Jazz was the only possible conclusion after watching this movie. The Jazz already have a home crowd that, up until last season, was notoriously the most loud, and angry crowd out there. We’ll be the enforcers of this crowd. It will be our job to walk around the Energy Solutions Arena and its surrounding areas and intimidate fans of the other teams with physical threats, loud jeers, and hurtful comments about how their team is nowhere near as magnificent as ours. We will be known throughout the country (and Canada) as the most semi-violent, well-read, sometimes-angry firm out there.

As far as membership is concerned, all are welcome to join us! However at this time we are in need of an independently wealthy benefactor to pay for our court side season tickets, our first class plane tickets and court side away tickets, and also cover any fines and/or court fees that are the result of celebrating/mourning the wins/losses. We will be known as “The West-side Boys” (T-shirts and hats will be provided) due to the fact that original membership all lives on the west side of the Salt Lake Valley.

What we lack in name-making creativity we will supplement with a pure, unbridled rage in support of our basketball team. Every win will be celebrated with looting, riots, and torching of multiple cars; all losses will be mourned similarly. We will leave a wake of destruction and happiness wherever we tread. At home we will defend our abode and support our team while viciously demeaning the visiting team. On the road we will invade their home court like the crusaders of old (the ones who won, not the ones who died slow painful deaths in the desert from dehydration and scorpion stings). We will conquer their women and pillage their nacho stands in the name of the Jazz!

For years to the name “West-side Boys” will be synonymous the three things: The Utah Jazz, The smell of burning rubber, and blazing nacho carts.


No comments:

Post a Comment