The Dukes See a Movie: Red Riding Hood

 

One random Wednesday not so long ago we had a choice, watch the Conspirator or Red Riding Hood, who knew that one simple choice would lead us to such suffering and senseless pain. Seven friends made their way into the theater not knowing they had all made a decision that they would come to regret for all the remaining days of their lives.

 

When we first saw the preview we thought to ourselves that it was an attempt to get the Twilight crowd excited about something new. As time progressed we saw a few more clips of the show and a couple of things started to turn our way of thinking around.  To be honest I think Amanda Seyfried is hot and that Gary Oldman is a great actor. Those are the things that pushed me through the theater doors. that and an ill conceived notion on mine and Lindsey's part that we didn't have to be a part of the voting for what movie we should go and see.

 

In the end this movie turned out to be a teenage love triangle full of angst and emo-ishness. Amanda loves some wood cutter dude but she is betrothed to a blacksmith dude.  Red (I will refer to Amanda as Red, the woodcutter as Axe and the blacksmith as Anvil from here on out) decides that she is going to run away with Axe but before she can do that Red finds out that her sister has been killed by the werewolf so her running away is being postponed by mourning and such.

 

To get back at the beast they bring in a famous werewolf hunter, Gary Oldman. (I think I will call him Bane) To be honest I don't even want to tell you about the rest of the movie it was that blah. Instead I will tell you where the movie failed and how it should feel bad for what it has done.

 

• It actually used the phrases "my, what big eyes you have" and all that crap. Why would anyone put that in a movie that they would like people to take seriously?
• The forest was full of spike trees (see poster) and not a single person got impaled. Why would you have spike trees if they aren't going to actually do anything? I would have even settled for a gash or small cut.
• They decided that in a tiny medieval village freak dancing would not be out of place at all. What the crap were they thinking? You can't freak dance to a lute and flutes.
• Bane brought a giant metal elephant with him. Turns out it was a 15 ton Roman torture device. There is no way he would have brought that up in the mountains when there are thousands of portable torture devices and methods.
• I didn't like Axe or Anvil. I wanted them both to be eaten.
• I thought the sets were decent and the music worked for the most part. (I had to say one nice thing)

Well that is enough ranting for me. This movie attempted to be a lot of things: horror, fantasy, mystery, suspense and a love/angst story, but it didn't manage to do any one of these things well.

Rating 1.5 stars