Having seen most of the movies in the Alien franchise (stop judging me) I wasn't entirely sure what to expect, but at least I had some inkling unlike the ladies that went with us since they hadn't seen any of the other movies. I knew that Ridley Scott (the director of the original Alien) was making a movie that would take place in the same universe as Alien but that it would not be a direct prequel. I think he did this to be safe from crazy fan boys who would have picked the movie apart for the smallest inconsistencies with the series. I am sure someone would have said, "The ship clearly should have thrusters that are 8% larger. What were they thinking?" At least now he only had to hear the soft murmuring of people complaining that the movie might not be rated R and that it would have been cooler as a prequel, but hey you can't win them all.
Actually you should be able to win them all! Screw you complainers! So what if the movie had received a PG-13 rating? It is up to the discretion of the director and the studios to decide what product they want to put out. Furthermore I....wait a sec... I have no reason to be doing this... This is awkward... So how are you guys doing? Everything going well? Let's all pretend that little incident never happened shall we?
As the movie starts we see an albino alien that looks like he should be a professional wrestler. He decides to take a sip of some very shady liquid (even when I yelled at him not to) and his body breaks down into a black ink mist and mixes in the water and it looks just like the part in Harry Potter with the pensieve. Billions of years later in Iceland a new set of caves is discovered and inside they find what appears to be the result of a very large child finger painting.
|I forgot which one was in the movie.|
The scientists (Noomi Rapace and Tom Hardy Jr(I swear that Logan Marshall-Green is just a clone of Tom Hardy and the government wants to keep that technology a secret)) that came across this image had seen it many times before and they decided that it was meant as an invitation (it clearly was meant as a warning of the dangers of dodge ball). They manage to get funding from Benjamin Button (Guy Pierce in old man makeup) and they head on a journey to meet the architects of life on earth as we know it so they can ask the questions that people have been pondering for thousands of years. Why are we here? Where did we come from? Why is Tyler Perry still making movies? How do we stop him? Please for the love of all we hold dear how do we defeat him?!?!
|Proof the Devil exists and that he hates you.|
As the ship flies through space making whoosh noises (okay so maybe I was the one making the noises) we see David the android (Michael Fassbender) doing all sorts of random robot-y things like playing basketball on a bike and learning things. He goes to wake up the crew after their stint in stasis and they all get ready to explore their destination. They set out and almost immediately find some ruins and start exploring and touching stuff.
As they journey they find random jars full of black ooze and the corpses of humanoid space men. They also discover holograms that tell them precisely what they need to know to move the plot along and do things. I don't want to give away too much of the plot because I enjoyed the movie and I think you should as well but I feel compelled to share something I learned about how to create new species.
In case you are confused I will explain. Albino wrestler plus magic black goo jars equals humans. Black jar of goo plus a human equals melty human monster. Melty monster plus human equals a land kraken. Land kraken plus albino wrestler equals the original Alien. I think this chart clearly shows that Darwin got a few things wrong. I will expect an apology from him any day now.
So in conclusion I would like to say that all in all I enjoyed the movie. During the film you did get the feeling that this movie was made with a sequel in mind. A lot of questions were left unanswered, but I think that most of them will be addressed in the next film (I don't think they will tell us why blond people can't run to the side to escape death). The movie was visually beautiful and for the most part very well acted. When I have both movies together I will be able to give it a higher rating but for now as a stand-alone movie I give it a...
Rating 3.75 stars