Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Things the Dukes Hate: Part 2

As you may have guessed there are things in this world I do not like. Unfortunately for all of us not everything can be candy and jet packs. For all that is great and glorious there are these few things reminding us why we should barricade ourselves indoors and why we should have no hope for the future of this world (my outlook really is not that bleak but it makes for a more dramatic post so I will go with it). I already outlined various things that raise my hackles in a recent post, but as I was writing it I realized that I had way too many things to fit into a single list. That being the case I give you part two of our ongoing series of things the Dukes hate. To start off we have a classic Duke hate...


They are the worst! They constantly make messes and do the worst things imaginable. I will give you several personal examples. I make a fantastic Santa Clause. Due to this fact I bought myself an authentic suit and I don my gay apparel every chance I get. It was a blustery December eve. The year was 2009 and I was employed by a bank that shall remain nameless. We were having a Christmas party and in an attempt to bring joy to the hearts of the downtrodden I made my appearance as Santa. What should have been a glorious event was ruined by a few little uns who took it upon themselves to be the worst ever. I was having a nice little chat and the children clambered under the table and started trying to steal my boots. Who does that? Who tries to take Santa's boots? A devil child is the correct answer.

At least the night wasn't all bad.

 If that were the only case I would chalk it up to a freak occurrence but sadly it is only one of many that I have had the misfortune to be a part of. In that same dratted bank I have seen wild children rampaging through the desks, pushing every button that they came across in their doom quests. These buttons just happened to be connected to our silent alarm system that automatically notifies the police. I was a witness to this same thing no less than 11 times in my tenure at the bank. I could rant about children and my not liking them but I think you have had enough on this topic for the day.


Children that are well behaved are an exception. I have no problem with them at all. They can even be adorable (see: the kid from the Woman in Black). I also have a huge soft spot in my heart for my nieces. I would like to think that is because they are very well behaved and are already smarter than me. I guess when you think about I don't hate kids but rather I hate the parents that suck at their job of parenting and they let their kids run rampant.

Are we not just the most adorable thing ever?

Children are a fan of messes and that leads me to the second thing I hate...

My hands covered in goop

I cannot describe how much I hate having dirty hands. It is not that I hate germs and fear the diseases I can get. I just hate the feeling of having stuff on my hands. If I had to list the worst things about baking it would be having to mix the dough with my hands. If only you could see me now I am shuddering and I am pretty sure I just made an audible guuhhh sound. I literally needed gloves to play horseshoes when it started raining on us because I didn't want muddy hands. Muddy clothes? Meh. Muddy shoes? double meh. Muddy hands? SOMEONE GET ME A WASHBASIN STAT!!(Because when I get dirty hands I imagine myself in an old school hospital for some reason.)

Now that is some nightmare fodder.

Turns out I came by this dirty hands hatred honestly. As I was discussing the post idea with my mother she said "Well I guess you got that from me. I also hate having my hands covered in gunk." Thank you for that Mom (If you can't tell I typed that quite sarcastically).  At least most of what I got from her is a bunch of awesomeness. This hatred of goopy hands has led my mind to something else I hate...

Old lady hands

In all honesty this entry should have been placed on the list of things that terrify me, but it is here and you can't unread it. I hate old lady hands so much. When they are held up to the light you can see through them. It is like they are half ghost! I guess they decided to take the phrase one foot in the grave seriously and they are trying to start passing on while passing me by on the street.  I fear that if they touch my face they can steal my soul or my experience points or something. This hand condition can actually be seen in people younger. I am looking at you Emily. She actually asked if we would still be friends when her hands turned full poltergeist and I was unable to answer because I don't know that we could. (Well maybe if she wore mittens...)

   After that brief foray into my fears it is time to return to my burning hatred with something that is seemingly small yet super aggravating...

Not being able to fast forward my On Demand programming

I hate this so much!! I watch shows on On Demand so I can avoid the commercials! Now you are telling me that you are going to disable the fast forward feature?! I hate you and everything you stand for! Only a company stupid enough to want to cancel Community would also want to revoke my right to fast forward through your commercial on Magic Mesh!! Ok Zac just breathe. Now is not a good time to freak out. Think of cake and dragons. Mmmm okay all better. Sorry about that but I just get so heated about this subject.

That brings us to the end of this post of things that I hate (and fear). I know that there is more out there that will bring my rage brimming over the top and when it does you can be sure I will let you know about it.

1 comment:

  1. um, I totally thought of you last night at the temple. old lady hands EVERYWHERE! and one touched me.