Five Reasons Why The Dukes Shouldn't Trust Women

After our wildly successful post about why women shouldn't trust us I felt like it needed a rebuttal. "Now hang on there partner", I can see you asking "didn't you write the last post?"  I did indeed write that post, but since no one else spoke up I decided that I would be the one to defend our honor. The last post was a gauntlet thrown and now I must stand for our honor and bandy words about (with myself) like a crisply performed riposte. So ladies prepare yourselves to be shocked and dismayed by the five reasons why The Dukes shouldn't trust women.

Shame on all of you who could even think of harming these poor innocent souls.

1. Ladies like to call into question Zac's heterosexuality

I don't know what it is but the womenfolk like to make assumptions about me. Now I am fine with some of them, like having them assume I am 6'4" because I seem tall-ish or even assuming I will know answers to random questions. Those assumptions are kind of nice because I like trivia and I really want to be 6'4", but from time to time other assumptions are made and they hurt(probably).

Here are a few facts about myself: I love musical theater and the opera, I enjoy singing, I like to wear the colors purple and pink, I have a ton of knowledge about colors and color schemes, I like to wear cuff links and pocket squares, I have held Coombsy's hand, but I also love the ladies and if I didn't hate dating so much I would probably have a girlfriend or something.

Look at that manly dancing

I bring this up because the other day I was at work minding my own business, writing a blog post. A student came up as they are wont to do and started asking questions. I was expecting "can you help me scan this?" or "where is the paper?". Instead I got "How many kids do you have?". That bummed me out a bit because it confirmed that I look old and like I am settled in a relationship. I told her no so then she asked me if I were married. Once again I said no and the lady fired right back with did I have a girlfriend. I said no and thought that was the end since she had started to turn away. Sadly she turned back and said "can I ask you a personal question?".

That blew my mind because I thought that all of them had been personal questions so I managed to get out a husky yet confused "yeah". At that moment I wasn't sure what to expect, but when the words "are you straight?" came out I realized that those words were clearly ones I had not expected. I said yes and she just responded with an "oh okay." and was on her way. I will admit I was wearing a pink shirt at that moment with a pink tie and matching cuff links, but I was also watching football. What was it about me that made her think I was gay?

No that isn't it...

Other ladies have also joked about it when I mention any of the things I listed above. I think I have figured out why the question comes up from time to time. It is because ladies can't believe that a man like me is still on the market. Well ladies you can bet your britches I am, and I like it that way.

Coombsy faces his Delilah

Many of you know that Coombsy loves basketball almost as much as he loves sleeping, and that is saying something. If he is ever late (he is always late) you can just assume that he fell asleep because his bed is "super comfy". I prefer to believe that it is because he has mono. Back to the original point... He loves basketball and actively seeks to play in as many games as possible. Who can blame him? He has a competitive advantage over the rest of the field. I don't mean his height or his speed, but rather his hair.

Let me set the scene. Image Coombsy is driving down the lane. You look down at the ball in his hand and then back up to his face. As he moves his hair starts to flow and you find yourself entranced. There is nothing you can do but stare and the graceful way it bounces to and fro. As you are watching the hair Coombsy has made his move past you and is now about to score an easy basket. You think about pushing him midair, but you don't want others to judge you as a poor sport so you let it happen. That is what happens when you play Coombsy for the first 50 or so times. I have finally built up immunity, but it takes time.

Imagine those locks bouncing at you. You are helpless!

For a while things were going along great for Coombsy and his hair. He played ball and played it well. He even made the transition over to dreadlocks and it worked for him. As with many men, when things were going well he went and got himself a girlfriend. She was (is) a nice girl and they had good times together. Sadly this woman would turn out to be his Delilah.

I am sure you all remember the story of Sampson. He was a man of incredible strength, but that strength depended on him not cutting his hair. As was wise to do Sampson didn't let the secret get out. He kept it close to his chest. He would have been fine except for a woman who decided that Sampson needed to go. She kept poking around asking him what his weakness was (and trying to trap him using that secret) until finally he gave in and told her the real deal. She took that knowledge and shaved him up and he ended up blind and in prison. It is a sad tale but it just is there to teach us that women are capable of making men to dumb things, especially when it comes to hair.

For some reason this lady friend decided that Coombsy would look better with short hair so she used her feminine wiles to get him to cut off his luxurious locks. Coombsy having been taken by the charms of a woman (they are quite powerful) did as he was told and ended up with a shorn scalp. That move cost him much more than hair in the end.

He went from Casanova to Mario in moments. 

Without his hair he lost his edge in basketball. Anyone could guard the new Coombsy. The first game out I had three blocks on him and I looked like an all-star. It is a sad tale, but let it stand as a lesson to you women out there. If you date Coombsy and ask him to cut his hair you are asking more than you can possibly imagine.

All the women want to marry Danny

For some reason Danny is a lady magnet. I mean who would have ever thought that a ginger of middling height would be so sought after? Okay fine there are a lot of reasons. He is a great guy and fun to be a round. I think it might be the childlike sense of wonder (or Peter Pan-edness if you prefer) that people enjoy. This has had some consequences in the past.

I won't delve too deeply or say too much, but there have been at least three clear cases of women going bananas for a taste of that sweet ginger. They didn't just want him for a moment, they wanted him for life. Unfortunately for them Danny was not looking for the same thing and it ended up getting pretty ugly.

That face just screams "Marry ME!!"

Now that I think about it that really isn't a reason why we shouldn't trust women. It seems more like a reason why women shouldn't trust us. Oh no... Umm please ignore that part. PS congrats to Kailey for finally taming this man.

Women love to hate our movies

We love to watch movies. It is how we pass most of our time, and we will not apologize for it. For the most part you know that is what we are going to be doing and so there is no reason to be surprised. You have entered this world of your own free will and choice so therefore you should not be allowed to complain heartily about what you were forced to watch. Do I complain when I have been out shoe shopping for five hours? No I do not. Mainly because I make the choice beforehand not to go to something I will hate. If for some reason I do go I hold in my sad rage because I had a choice, and in the words of a wise old Templar "[I] ha[d] chosen poorly". I feel it should be same for the ladies. If they don't like the movie they should suffer in silence.

As you can see the ladies have not always treated us as the soft delicate creatures we are. It has left us emotionally scarred and unable to trust (untrue). We will do our best to overcome this because, dag nabbit, the world needs more Dukes.

*For those of you counting you are correct in that there are actually only four reasons on this list. For weeks I tried to think of five and I failed. I guess the facts have been made clear. We are worse to the ladies than they are to us.

The Dukes See a Movie: Hotel Transylvania

Adam Sandler has not had the best of luck movie-wise lately. He has put out such gems as That's My Boy, Jack and Jill, and Grown Ups and that only takes us back to 2010. I guess he had fallen under the curse that can come from being successful. When you do something well people will give you freer reign. As time moves on you get more and more freedom until you are answering to no one so there isn't anyone to tell you if something is stupid or a bad idea. The same thing happened to M. Night Shamalan. In the beginning his movies were good, but by the end he was the writer, director and producer for his movie The Happening and it was awful, straight up garbage. We need to have someone look at our work and give us another point of view or else we are doomed to have some mistakes. With this in mind I was wary of seeing this movie. Adam Sandler has had too much freedom and I really just hoped that this wasn't the case in this film.

As the film started I as struck by the visuals more than anything. The animators had done quite the job making the film look polished and more believable. I have to hand it to Sony Pictures Animation, they have put out a few quality movies in their short history. I enjoyed Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs and also The Pirates! Band of Misfits.

I didn't have a good segue so...segway!

To start the movie out we see Count Dracula taking care of his baby girl. We find out that his wife was taken from them and so he wanted to make a place for his daughter that would be safe. He decides that this place should be a haven for all monsters so he builds a giant hotel that should be far out of the reach of all humans. If you haven't guessed the plot of the rest of the movie yet shame on you. As the daughter gets older she feels confined and wants to explore the world. The dad is overly protective and wants her to stay no matter what. To top it off a human manages to show up right in time to mess with the birthday party!

With the concept of this movie I felt there was so much more that they could have done to make it not just decent, but excellent. While this movie followed very common plot lines I still enjoyed it for the most part. I guess the movie did have some good morals for us to learn like not judging people before you know them. So I guess I learned to avoid prejudice or something. I will have to admit that Shrek did a better job at broaching that subject but oh well.

A better movie than the one I am writing about.

If my post feels a bit disjointed and rambly(new word) that is because I have been super bored writing this review. If I don't love it or hate it I just can't get any good emotion going. Maybe if I think about awesome things...no that just makes me sad because I am doing this and not taming a panda dragon. Maybe if I think about things that make me sad or angry...ZAC SMASH!! ...that was a terrible plan! Now my shirt is all in tatters and this student center cleanup is going to be a doozy. I blame you Hotel Transylvania for not being good or bad enough to write about!

So if you have nothing better to do go ahead and see this movie, although I will warn you that Adam Sandler does have a brief moment where he raps. Not cool Sandler, not cool.

Rating: 2.5 Stars

The Dukes See a Movie: Dredd 3D

"I am the law." Never has there been a one line tag line that has encompassed the feel of an entire movie better that this one does. Dredd takes place in a future in which the world has been devastated by nuclear war and the country is a wasteland. The entire American population of 800 million is living inside a mega city that stretches from Boston to Washington DC (aptly named Mega City 1). The skyline is dominated by super skyscrapers, hundreds of stories high that are surrounding by the crumbling ruins of the old cities.

It is in this city that we find Judge Dredd. He works for the Hall of Justice as, you guessed it, a judge. It this cramped society, crime was running rampant and the old judicial system did not have the ability to keep order. So as a solution they streamlined the entire process. Now, the men and women of the Hall of Justice act as police, judge, jury and, if the judgment demands it, executioner. In this society Dredd is in fact "the law", and if I were in his shoes I would like saying it as well.

Yeah you are!

This movie is another in a long line of comic book adaptations and movie remakes. The character got his start in the late seventies in Great Britain in a serial called 2000 AD. He has been a super popular character for years over there and has had some struggles crossing over here. A major issue was with the 1995 film adaptation, Judge Dredd with Sylvester Stallone. It was a terrible movie, but to be completely honest if it is late at night and I see it on demand I will watch it and I will enjoy it, nothing will ever change that.

Many fans of the comic were upset by the movie because they took away the best parts of the character and decided to add some random character development. In the comics you never see Dredd's face. It was started as an unofficial guideline, but ended up being put down as an official rule for the artists to follow. The creator John Wagner explained it this way. "It sums up the facelessness of justice- justice has no soul. So it isn't necessary to see Dredd's face, and I don't want you to."  The first movie failed in that regard a ton. You see Stallone's face all over the place. If you really want an example I can show you a picture. I am warning you it isn't pretty.

Well if you are sure...

He had this look on his face the entire time.

The best part is that he wore blue contacts for the role when in the comics they don't even know the color of his eyes so his normal brown eyes would have been just fine. Silly Hollywood. I guess enough time (17 years seems like enough) had passed and the powers that be felt a remake would be a good thing, and I find myself agreeing with them.

In this version the titular character is played by Karl Urban. You might remember him from his role in RED or his role as Bones in the new Star Trek movie. His chiseled jaw and even stubble made him a great person for a role that would require him to cover everything but his mouth and chin.

As the movie starts Dredd is tasked with taking a new recruit out into the field for a final exam. The recruit is a young mutant psychic. They are out on a normal case when it takes a turn towards mayhem. The building defenses go up and the two judges are forced to fight their way up the building. For those of you that say it is just like The Raid you are wrong and should feel bad for being wrong.

See even Zoidberg agrees with me.

For having a fairly limited budget by today's standards I thought they did a good job with the special effects. The movie uses the popular time slow down technique, but they actually come up with a reason as to why it is being used. Having that logic in there made me happy. Urban does a great job being the stalwart no-nonsense judge. He doesn't convey many emotions because he isn't conflicted by who he is and what he is doing. If you have nothing against violent images and you want to see a good shoot 'em up movie I would recommend this one. Also I would like to leave you with this message.

Rating: 4 stars

The Dukes See a Movie: Resident Evil: Retribution

Well this was the reunion episode of the series. They were kinda tired from all the "writing" and they decided they would just reintroduce some of the old characters and creatures to make it easy, because writing new things is just too hard. I should have known what I was in for since the director clearly has a type of movie he loves to make. That type just happens to be crappy ones with lots of violence and nonexistent plots. I will give you a few examples here: Death Race, DOA Dead or Alive, The Three Musketeers (the crappy new one), Alien VS Predator, Mortal Combat (not terrible) and five Resident Evil films. I am sure there is a special place in Hell reserved for this man; Ricky claims it is right next to the man responsible for Skyline and I hope that for all eternity they are forced to watch each other's movies. Each moment of agony they suffer as they attempt to kill each other, without results since you can't murder corpses, is well deserved for the pain and suffering they have caused to me and my friends.

This is the intro to my nightmares.

As you already know there wasn't much of a plot so I will give you what I was thinking as the movie progressed.

Movie starts: "Hey that intro was kinda cool."
8 minutes in: "Oh look they are going to rescue Alice so they can get on with the rest of the story."
15 minutes in: "This rescue will be ending shortly."
35 minutes in: "Wow this rescue is taking longer than I thought."
40 minutes in: "Are those zombie Nazis?'
80 minutes in: "Hey look they are on the surface and Alice is fully rescued! Oh wait no she isn't. Stupid submarines."
90 minutes in: "This looks awesome they finally have gathered together as the last remnants of humanity to fight the infected! The evil army outside is huge and awesome looking! This is going to be fantastic!"
93 minutes in: "Wait those had better not be the credits. That cannot be the end of this! I got Skylined* again!"

*Skylined- To be Skylined is to be suckered into a movie with the promise of something decent. As the movie goes along you hate so many things about it, but at the end something happens that makes you think the movie might have found redemption. As you get your hopes up again and begin to believe anew the credits begin. It is the Rick roll of the movie world, but without the catchy song.

You never should give them up Rick, never.

I was so blown away that this had happened to me again that as the credits began to roll I began to laugh. Not a quiet gentle laugh, but one of those guffaws that come from deep in the belly. It was the only reaction that made sense to me at the time. I felt that if I didn't laugh I would be forced to rip up the row of seats we were on and use them to batter the screen until I collapsed in the shredded remains of the fabric, weeping for an end of terrible movies that I know will never come.  The movie was a constant barrage of poor acting, poor writing and stupid one liners. The only redeeming quality of the movie was the fact that Milla Jovovich is an attractive lady and things got shot.

Don't see this movie. I don't care if you have nothing better to do. It is not worth dying a little more on the inside just to kill some time.

Rating: 1 Star

The Dukes See a Movie: Lawless

Before I get into the movie review there is something I need to tell you. Now I want you to know that this has nothing to do with you, it is all me. If that sounds kind of like a breakup you are right, but you are wrong about the implication. Yes I am going to be spending some time other places and with some other blogs. Just because I am joining Spencer and Nathan on Spitwads doesn't mean that I will care for this blog any less. I am still a Duke at heart and I want you to know that. Well that seems a little more melodramatic than I meant. The truth is the new blog is a blessing. It means that you all have access to more writers who happen to put together much better posts than I do. I will be posting the movie reviews in both places, but each one will also be getting original content in the form of my other random thoughts. I am sure that in time you will come to understand what I have done and forgive me. 

Any movie based on a true story is subject to artistic license. In this case the movie is based on a book called "The Wettest County in the World". This book just happens to be written by one of the descendants of the Bondurant brothers and who in the world would try and paint a better picture of their ancestors? Now I am not going to say that he purposefully put them in a better light to look more like the Han Solo version of rebels (I totally am), but it seems like a bit of a stretch to say that "when the law became corrupt, outlaws became heroes." like it does on the movie poster. What are they the modern day version of Robin Hood and his band of Merry Men? They clearly were in it for their own profit and not to improve life of the community.

I was quite pleased with the casting of this movie for the most part. The only one I was worried about was Shia LaBeouf. He has always just come across as super whiny and just about the worst thing ever. In Transformers he seemed to feel entitled to everything because he had done something noble once. I helped an old lady across the street the other day and I don't think I deserve some huge reward or howdy do about it. Same thing goes for his characters in Wall Street (awful movie) and Indiana Jones (awfuler movie). In all honesty I miss the young LaBeouf from Holes. Why can't he be more like that?

What do you know? Age IS related to douchiness in his case. 

I hold the rest of the cast in a much higher regard. I am a huge Tom Hardy fan and that made me super excited for this movie. The best news for me is that the filming for this took place at the same time as filming for The Dark Knight Rises so he was still all huge and bulky. We also were going to see Guy Pearce as a crazed lawman in from Chicago and Jessica Chastain as a former dancer looking for some quiet. Gary Oldman is a part of the cast as well, but he appears in the movie so briefly I think they just had an agreement that if they could use his name in the marketing they would throw fistfuls of money at him.

Ah the joys of being a name prostitute

With all the cast in place I was hoping for a good story. As the movie starts we see the three Bondurant brothers working together as moonshine makers and small time bootleggers during the Prohibition Era. Shia is the youngest and whiniest brother (big surprise there). Tom is the middle brother, but he is in charge of the operation due to his levelheadedness and supposed invincibility. The oldest brother is a drunken brawler who at times is not dependable.

Things are going along just fine until a new deputy, who also happens to be an OCD sociopath, comes into town and demands that he and the other officials need a cut of the bootlegging profits or they will be shut down. That is a quite shady, but is it really surprising that someone would try to take advantage of people doing something illegal? Well that whole thing didn't make the non-murderable Bondurant very happy, and he made his feeling known.

Kinda like this but outside and more old timey

So the movie goes on and the two sides to battle and one comes out the victor. I enjoyed the movie overall, but there were a few places where I felt the story dragged a little. There were some very good action scenes and also some moments that made me laugh. There was even a scene that I swear took place near Hogwarts. If you were to guess what scene and you said the one where Harry has to face the dementors on a frozen lake you would be correct.

Still not 100% sure which movie this came from

Rating 4 Stars

The Dukes See a Movie: The Expendables 2

If a movie ever had a chance to give you chest hair this one would be in the top five for sure. Almost every actor in this movie could be considered a man's man and when you put them all together pure awesomeness in the form of violence is sure to come out. As you go down the casting list each name is as manly as the next. Just reading the names made it seem like a grizzly bear was riding a laser beam shooting Abraham Lincoln while holding an American flag. It is the sort of experience that can do nothing but pump you up. I case you don't believe me read some of the actors and a few things they have been in.

• Sylvester Stallone- Rocky I-VI (or six hundred), Rambo I-IV (The Bloodening), Judge Dredd (he is the law!), Cliffhanger (who knew John Lithgow could play a villain?).
• Jason Statham- Transporter I-III (watch how you drive after seeing these), Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, and any other movie where they needed a tough street savvy British guy.
• Jet Li- This man is a martial arts legend. All of you should watch these movies: Once Upon a Time in China I-III, Tai-Chi Master, Fist of Legend, The One, Hero, and the other 38 movies he has been in.
• Dolph Lundgren- I have a soft spot in my heart for this giant Swede, partly because I too am a giant Swede. He was Drago in Rocky IV (he must break you), he was also He-Man in Masters of the Universe.
• Chuck Norris- I don't know where to begin with this man. In his professional fighting career he fought for ten years and at the end he retired as undefeated Professional Full-Contact Middleweight Champion and was fighter of the year several times. Watch him in Lone Wolf McQuade, Way of the Dragon and Missing in Action I-III. Oh he was also the first westerner to ever be awarded with the 8th degree black belt in Tae Kwan Do.
• Jean-Claude Van Damme- He has one of the greatest nicknames out there "The Muscles from Brussels". So many fighters out there would give up almost anything for a nickname like that. See him in Bloodsport (even though Bolo Yeung has the better pecs), Kickboxer, Lionheart, Universal Soldier and Street Fighter.
• Bruce Willis- Die Hard I-IV (soon to add V: Die the Harderest) and any other role with a tough cop/retired military (The Fifth Element, The Siege, Hart's War, Tears of the Sun, Hostage, Sin City, and more).
• Arnold Schwarzenegger- The former Mr. Universe became the go to guy for action movies. Everyone out there has heard at least one of his corny one liners, but most people haven't had the joy of seeing him in his first role as Hercules in Hercules in New York. It is so bad it is awesome, but only see it once. Other titles include: Conan the Barbarian and Destroyer, Terminator I-II (III didn't happen), Commando, Predator, Total Recall and a billion others.
• Terry Crews- The really muscly guy in the new Old Spice Commercials. Maybe the Longest Yard can be put on here or I guess there is Terminator Salvation. He was in the NFL for about six years so that counts maybe. I think they felt they needed a black action star and I guess they didn't want Fred Williamson which saddens me. I like Terry Crews but we could have had Black Caesar.
•   Randy Couture- MMA legend. First champion to hold belts in two weight classes in the UFC.

You see it too don't you?

Just reading over the previous part almost gave me a black eye. Now for the actual review. The first Expendables movie was just one large pile of action that they tried to claim had a plot because you saw Mickey Rourke cry. This one didn't try to put together a plot with actual character development so that made it much better. I was not going into this looking for a story. I wanted random violence and explosions and boy did it deliver.

Imagine this for 103 minutes

The best part is that no one took it too seriously. For example Chuck Norris made a Chuck Norris joke about himself and several of his old movies were referenced. When he first shows up on screen they say "hey we heard that you had been bitten by a cobra" Chuck responds back with "yeah I was. After five days of excruciating pain the cobra died." That is classic. Dolph Lundgren gets in on the self-ridicule when they make a remark that his character has an advanced degree in chemical engineering and that he left his Fulbright scholarship to MIT to be a bouncer to impress a girl. The truth is that in real life he does have a master's degree in chemical engineering but he left MIT to be a bodyguard for his girlfriend at the time. There also is a part where Arnold says "I'll be back" and Bruce says "you've been back enough I'll be back" to which Arnold responds "Yippee Ki Yay".  During that same scene the two of them steal a Smart car and make fun of it and rip off the doors. That is now one of my life goals.

This will happen!

I won't go into the plot very much because there isn't much of one and really who cares. All I will say is the bad guy is Jean-Claude Van Damme and he does a spinning jump kick to Stallone's face. Twice. The actors are also in really good shape for being the age of many retirees in this country. I hope I can have those muscles when I am that age. Maybe if I watch this movie enough the manliness will rub off and I will succeed in that goal. A guy can dream at least.

Rating 3.75 stars.

The Dukes See a Movie: The Campaign

This movie is one that I was not quite sure about. As I get older I seem to become more jaded about the political system. The smear campaigns, the whisper campaigns and the focus on facts that have nothing to do with the political office cheapen the process. It has gotten to the point that we are aren't voting based on policy, but strictly on who we think beats fewer baby seals and who isn't secretly a Satanist. It is ridiculous and because of this I didn't know how I would handle this movie, and its theme of dirty campaigning.

I also was a little worried because Will Ferrell's movies can be hit and miss. He enjoys the crude humor, but at times it goes too far for my tastes. It also stars Zach Galifianakis who can be quite funny at times. I was freaked out by the lack of beard since he has had it forever. It might be because I feel betrayed when people shave, it also could be the fact that people trust guys with beards (actual study this time not random nonsense spawned from my mind).

You can't help but trust that face.

So feeling betrayed and confused by both the actors on screen and country I live in I went to see this movie.

The End

No seriously nothing much stood out to me about this film. It had its funny moments, but they weren't so amazing that I can still quote the lines for hours (or even minutes). The acting was decent, but it didn't stand out. The best role for me was that of Dylan McDermott. He plays a soulless campaign manager who during the race switches sides. Having seen him recently in the show American Horror Story (which was pretty awesome) I was glad to see him branch out and succeed.

Two screen legends also had roles in this movie as the Koch brothers...oh wait I mean the Motch brothers. Dan Aykroyd and John Lithgow are uninspired in their roles as two devious rich brothers who use their wealth to manipulate the political system for their advantage. They are blatantly based on the Koch brothers, who for good reasons were none too pleased with the portrayal.

According to the Internet they also eat babies and might be cthulhu.

In the end I didn't hate the movie but I can't think of a ton to say for it. If you pass a redbox and want a movie you might as well get this one. Although if you only want to see one rated R comedy this year I would say skip this and go see Ted instead.

Rating: 2.5 Stars