The Dukes See a Movie: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Many people argue that the life of Abraham Lincoln was impressive enough and that it has no need of embellishment. To them I say indeed he was quite a man and that if they wait just a few more months they can see a serious film with Daniel Day-Lewis in the title role. To them I would also like to say that they should shut their stupid faces because if you add supernatural hunting to any story and it automatically becomes better. Throw a monster hunter into Twilight and it automatically becomes a much better story that possibly could have saved me the shame I now feel for my middle name..

When reading up on reviews for this movie I was stunned by the amount of people that didn't know this movie came from a book. If you are going to review something I feel that you should be at least somewhat knowledgeable, especially when you are representing big names in the entertainment and information fields. Shame on all of them.  The book was written by Seth Grahame-Smith and if you happen to read my other reviews you might recognize the name. He also happened to write the screenplay for Dark Shadows. Tim Burton does like working with the same people so I wonder if we will be seeing more work from these two gentlemen in the future.

I would probably watch any one of these in film form, but does that really surprise anyone?

Going into this movie I was pretty excited but I was also keeping my hopes based in reality after seeing the most recent big budget work of both the director and producer (Wanted and Dark Shadows respectively).
I figured it would have some nice action and it would look dark and gritty. There were a few things that I noticed in the movie so allow me to list them to you.

• Timur Bekmambetov loves to direct scenes where trains crash and movies with vampires. There are epic train crashing scenes in both Wanted and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. 3 of his 4 biggest movies have had vampires in it. (This movie, Night Watch and Day Watch)
• This movie had Benjen Stark from the Game of Thrones!
• These weren't my favorite movie vampires. For some reason their faces transformed as the attacked and they gained snakelike jaws that could dislocate and they ended up with more teeth than possible.

For the life of me I couldn't find this picture without the captions. Don't judge.

For the most part the movie follows the life of Abraham Lincoln, but where history has shown us nothing the movie gives us vampires. Mr. Lincoln worked in a general store. In real life that is kind of boring. In the movie it is a front so he can murder him some vampires! That is a bit more impressive I would say. Overall I would say I enjoyed the film. The movie is meant to be taken as a comedy but it is all acted in a very straight manner. It is this fact that actually lent to my enjoyment of the film. The movie knows it is silly but it puts on a straight face so we can laugh even more at the preposterous nature of the film.

Rating 3.5 stars.

The Dukes See a Movie: Prometheus

Having seen most of the movies in the Alien franchise (stop judging me) I wasn't entirely sure what to expect, but at least I had some inkling unlike the ladies that went with us since they hadn't seen any of the other movies. I knew that Ridley Scott (the director of the original Alien) was making a movie that would take place in the same universe as Alien but that it would not be a direct prequel. I think he did this to be safe from crazy fan boys who would have picked the movie apart for the smallest inconsistencies with the series. I am sure someone would have said, "The ship clearly should have thrusters that are 8% larger. What were they thinking?" At least now he only had to hear the soft murmuring of people complaining that the movie might not be rated R and that it would have been cooler as a prequel, but hey you can't win them all.

Actually you should be able to win them all! Screw you complainers! So what if the movie had received a PG-13 rating? It is up to the discretion of the director and the studios to decide what product they want to put out. Furthermore I....wait a sec... I have no reason to be doing this... This is awkward... So how are you guys doing? Everything going well? Let's all pretend that little incident never happened shall we?

As the movie starts we see an albino alien that looks like he should be a professional wrestler. He decides to take a sip of some very shady liquid (even when I yelled at him not to) and his body breaks down into a black ink mist and mixes in the water and it looks just like the part in Harry Potter with the pensieve. Billions of years later in Iceland a new set of caves is discovered and inside they find what appears to be the result of a very large child finger painting.

I forgot which one was in the movie.

The scientists (Noomi Rapace and Tom Hardy Jr(I swear that Logan Marshall-Green is just a clone of Tom Hardy and the government wants to keep that technology a secret)) that came across this image had seen it many times before and they decided that it was meant as an invitation (it clearly was meant as a warning of the dangers of dodge ball). They manage to get funding from Benjamin Button (Guy Pierce in old man makeup) and they head on a journey to meet the architects of life on earth as we know it so they can ask the questions that people have been pondering for thousands of years. Why are we here? Where did we come from? Why is Tyler Perry still making movies? How do we stop him?   Please for the love of all we hold dear how do we defeat him?!?!

Proof the Devil exists and that he hates you.

As the ship flies through space making whoosh noises (okay so maybe I was the one making the noises) we see David the android (Michael Fassbender) doing all sorts of random robot-y things like playing basketball on a bike and learning things. He goes to wake up the crew after their stint in stasis and they all get ready to explore their destination. They set out and almost immediately find some ruins and start exploring and touching stuff.

As they journey they find random jars full of black ooze and the corpses of humanoid space men. They also discover holograms that tell them precisely what they need to know to move the plot along and do things. I don't want to give away too much of the plot because I enjoyed the movie and I think you should as well but I feel compelled to share something I learned about how to create new species.

In case you are confused I will explain. Albino wrestler plus magic black goo jars equals humans. Black jar of goo plus a human equals melty human monster. Melty monster plus human equals a land kraken. Land kraken plus albino wrestler equals the original Alien. I think this chart clearly shows that Darwin got a few things wrong. I will expect an apology from him any day now.

So in conclusion I would like to say that all in all I enjoyed the movie. During the film you did get the feeling that this movie was made with a sequel in mind. A lot of questions were left unanswered, but I think that most of them will be addressed in the next film (I don't think they will tell us why blond people can't run to the side to escape death). The movie was visually beautiful and for the most part very well acted. When I have both movies together I will be able to give it a higher rating but for now as a stand-alone movie I give it a...

Rating 3.75 stars

5 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Let The Dukes in Your House

We Dukes fancy ourselves as honorable fellows, but there are a few situations where we are not to be trusted. I have highlighted in the past why ladies shouldn't trust us and today I want to warn all our potential friends out there of another one of our terrible habits. We make terrible house guests. You may be thinking to yourself "harrumph. I have had The Dukes over many times and nothing has gone wrong." If that is the case I say to you just wait. Your time will come. You are more likely to stop the inexorable march towards death than stop what is coming at our hands. It will be an accident (probably). We will feel sorry for it (possibly), but here are five reasons why The Dukes should not be let in your house.

We straight up stomped that house to its death.

1. Zac has a vendetta against decks

I don't like decks and I don't trust decks. They are wobbly and unstable and they want to murder me. Also they are a lot of work. "Look at me I need to be water proofed and stained every year so I look good. If you don't I will succumb to some sort of rot and look less than awesome Mwahahaha!!" They are jerks and must be dealt with. We have been feuding for years but our battle recently came to a head.

We had had an enjoyable afternoon swimming and we needed to kill some time before we went to our dinner reservation.  We decided that we would spend this time lounging at a friend's house. The scene was idyllic. The sun was shining high, as were our spirits. There was much frolicking and jumping on of tramps. We were ready for a breather so we decided to head into the house by way of a staircase/deck combo that led us to the second floor. With the feelings I have towards decks I should have thought this though and gone in through the front door, but I decided to spit in the face of fate and she decided to strike back. 

I had managed to navigate the staircase and I was feeling invincible. In a weak moment of false immortality I took my gaze from my foot placement and there I met my downfall. One misplaced step and my hefty weight met a weak board and I felt myself falling.  Oh dark hubris why did you bring upon me this fate!? Why couldn't I have just looked down?! There is some good that comes from this tale. As it turns out I have the reflexes of a highly trained ninja. As I found the floor of the deck rushing up to meet me I managed to throw out my hands and catch myself as my knee was passing the floorboards. If that hadn't happened I would have ended up on a concrete slab one level below. Sadly I did not make it entirely unscathed.

Drink it in.

Touché deck you win this round, but a warning to all of my friends out there with decks I will have my revenge!


2.  We will take any opportunity we can to scare or surprise you.


This shouldn't be a shocker but we Dukes can be jerks and we will scare you whenever and however we can. When Danny and I worked at the bank together we were terrible most of the time. Danny once jumped out at a very pregnant lady while dressed as the Hulk. He didn't even know her yet since he was still in training. I made a girl hit her head on the underside of a counter because I decided to sneak up behind her(I still feel bad about that). Letting us into your home is just inviting us to find new ways to frighten you. 

Look at those sadistic grins

One great example involves our good friend Morgan (who has not been replaced). She invited us to her home and was a gracious host. In return we managed to get the keypad combo to her door just so we could scare her. We had been told that she was on her way home and that we should meet her there at 7. Instead of doing as we were told we decided to go early to set up shop. We got there at 6:30 and we entered the home. Her dog Gracie greeted us at the door as old friends and we started to plot.

In order to help you understand the story you need some background. Morgan is afraid of finding random people in her hotel room, bedroom, bathroom etc. We knew this and decided to play on that fear. We hunkered down in the living room, turned off the light and began to wait. Soon we could see headlights coming off in the distance. We heard the car door shut and her shoes began to clack against the pavement, marking her approach. Her frame darkened the doorway and she slowly began unlocking the door. The door swung open and we could see her silhouetted there. Mustering up my best devil voice, I growled from the darkness "Welcome Home".

Morgan responded with one classic line, "Oh Sh*t". She sounded so forlorn, as if all hope had been lost. She knew that this was going to be the end of the road for her. (At least I imagine that is what she was thinking) Sadly the moment was ruined by us because we all began to giggle. I don't know if we will ever top that scare but I also don't know if Morgan will ever truly forgive us either.

3. The Dukes + Furniture = Disaster

We are incredibly hard on furniture. Part of it is the fact we use it so much, but another part is that we apparently don't know how to use it like adults either.

This is how you use one of these, right?

No one has felt the sting of our poor furniture etiquette more than my own parents. A few years back I went through a strange furniture buying kick. I still lived at home but apparently I wanted to have more stuff. During one of these stuff getting quests I ended up purchasing a couch for the man cave. It was one I looking forward to sitting on quite a bit. Unfortunately (mainly for my parents) the couch did not fit down the stairs, but being such good people my parents said "take our reclining couch downstairs instead. We will leave your couch up here in the family room in its place." Bad move Mom and Dad.

For the first little while it seemed like a dream come true. We could fit all four Dukes on the one couch, or four of anybody if we had company. We would watch movie after movie and life was good. Gradually I think that we as a whole began to forget who the couch belonged to and we treated it as our own. The first casualty was the back left corner. Danny really liked to lean back on whatever piece of furniture he was sitting in, but with this couch it just caused it to break after a time. This was no biggie though. We just propped up the corner with a tub, a piece of particle board, and an exercise ball (take that Macgyver).

We were trucking along just fine after this minor speed bump until a late night movie led to a late night pinch war that involved Coombsy, Danny, McKell and I (Ricky is super glad that he wasn't a part of this one). The pinches were brutal and somehow it led to the destruction of one of the leg rests (I am looking at you Coombsy). Once again we managed to pull together a last minute solution, in this case we used a small garbage can to prop up the leg rest. I think you are a smart readership so I am pretty sure you can figure out what happened next. If you guessed that gypsies did it, you have been talking to me way too much.  So in the end the couch died a slow death at the hands of the people who had professed to love it.

So you know, be careful when people love you.

4. Once we have access to your house we may never leave

      
At times we Dukes have been compared to parasites, and sadly that isn't far from the truth. If we find something we like we will attach ourselves to it and we will only let go when that thing has died, become broken or completely lost its function. This attachment can happen with pretty much any noun you can think of, and woe be unto that person, place or thing.

Early in the life of our friendship we were constantly at Ricky's house. We were there a minimum of three times a week. Ricky's parents are great people, but I think after a few months of this they went on vacation just so they wouldn't have to see us anymore. Did the fact that Ricky and his family had gone on vacation change how often we were at his house? No it did not. If anything we were there even more since Danny had been asked to house sit. The only thing that changed was the time of night we finally went to bed and the amount of joyrides we took in vehicles we did not own (we only went on one in Ricky's old van).

This just goes to show you that even fleeing the state isn't enough to get rid of us. We will be waiting right where you left us when you return so we can continue to suck the life out of you.

5. We mark our territory

This doesn't mean that if we enter your house we will make like dogs and start peeing on things (I can't promise that Coombsy won't though), it just means that we will start leaving traces of ourselves in your house. Once again I will bring up Morgan. If you go in her house you will be able to find a copy of our main page photo. She didn't ask for it, but we decided she needed it. It was our effort to claim her home as our own. You never know when we will strike or what form our claim will take, just that it will happen.

Coming soon to inside your house.

 In summation it is clear that we are adorable and the epitome of awesomeness, but you need to decide for yourself if we are really worth all the trouble we cause. If you decide we are not I may cry myself to sleep but I won't begrudge you your well-reasoned opinion. If you decide to toss the dice and stick it out I pray that our visits turn out better than it did for this Brazilian family whose home I tore down with my bare hands.

Just think of it as an extended camping trip

The Dukes See a Movie: Snow White and the Huntsman

Mirror Mirror above the sink am I as handsome as I think? If the answer isn't "dang skippy you are" I don't want to hear it. Following the great Hollywood tradition of having several similarly themed movies come out around the same time we have had two adaptations of Snow White this year. The first was Mirror Mirror which according to sources (I didn't see it because I don't hate myself enough) was a terrible movie with flat acting and nothing memorable at all. The second is one that I actually wanted to see because it seemed like a darker twist on the classic tale. Not darker than the original story because man those Germans like their fairy tales dark. I mean in the original the Queen has quite the gruesome end. As punishment for her wicked ways, a pair of heated iron shoes are brought forth with tongs and placed before the Queen. She is then forced to step into the iron shoes and to dance until she drops dead. Who in the world thinks that is a good ending to tell a child?

I was intrigued by this movie because it looked action-y and it had Chris Hemsworth in it and I am an official member of the I want Chris Hemsworthesque arms fan club (No such club exists but I really do want arms that look like his). I was rather leery though at the thought of seeing a movie with Kristen Stewart in it because from what I have seen of Twilight her acting consisted of being moody and whiny and not closing her mouth because she is a vapid purposeless character. (Tell me how you really feel about it Zac)

My guess is that the Twilight series is 10 hours of this.

So was with these conflicting feeling roiling in my chest that we headed to the theater to see Snow White and the Huntsman. As much as it pains me to say this I didn't hate Kristen Stewart in this movie and I think she did a passable job(actually it was better than passable but I couldn't bring myself to saying that) as Snow White and she made us actually care about her plight. I still love Chris Hemsworth but I was a little confused why they gave him a Scottish accent. The acting was well done from all the characters and the imagery of the contrasting nature of good and evil were very well done. The dark foreboding forest was very dark and very foreboding while the sanctuary was very green and vibrant. It did seem like they did take it one step too far with the random Pixie creatures climbing out of the birds.

The part that wasn't as well done was the writing. Some of the lines were trite or even just straight up ridiculous. Like the part during the showdown between the Queen and Snow White when Snow White says "you can't have my heart". In all honesty I said out loud in the theater "seriously?!" when she said that line. (I am sure strangers hate us in their showing)  I also had an issue with the speech that Snow White gives to rally the troops. It wasn't memorable or very inspiring at all. Speeches are where the writers are supposed to shine because that is the part that they are trying to get the most emotion out of the audience so we will feel like we are a part of whatever the group is about to undertake. All great movies nail the speech part.

I feel bad for all of the little people in Hollywood not named Peter Dinklage because now they are losing all their roles to regular actors that are just being CGIed into little people. I never wanted to see a three foot Ian McShane but now I can never un-see it.

And now neither can you.

It created quite the stir amongst the little community and even had Warwick Davis comparing the shrinking down of actors to black face. I don't know if I would take it that far, but I do think it is a shame that they didn't even give them a chance.

Overall I thought the movie was decent. It had good acting and nice effects, but if it had had decent writing it could have been great. In the words of some random guy I read on the internet I say that this is what Lord of the Rings could have been if Peter Jackson hadn't cared about every single detail. On a strange side note Viggo Mortensen was almost cast as the Huntsman and that would have been a great tie in to the previous quote.

Rating 3.5 Stars

The Dukes Get Behind on Movie Reviews and Cram Three in One

Either we see too many movies or I am too lazy. I am inclined to think it is a little of column A and a whole lot of column B. Because of this shameful combo I once again find myself behind on my movie reviews. I could blame a swollen knee but what does that have to with typing? Nothing at all but I am doing my darndest to find some excuse. You want to know who is to blame? Gypsies. It is always their fault.

Dark Shadows is one more movie where Johnny Depp wears pale makeup and Tim Burton calls on his friends to be in another movie. Don't get me wrong I enjoy Tim Burton movies and as I have stated many times on this blog I love Johnny Depp. I will once again say he is the bacon of actors since he makes all of the things he is in better.

He doesn't like the sun much.

The issue many people had with this movie is that they took it too seriously. It was meant to be a breezy comedy, something whimsical and lighthearted. They were attempting to take the soap opera feel of the original series and change it up a little. I enjoyed the movie and thought that it was well acted and it had decent writing. The screenplay was done by Seth Grahame-Smith who also happens to be the author of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

I also am a fan of Eva Green because she is incredibly attractive and a good actress to boot. The main issue I had with the movie was the random adding of a werewolf to the story. It didn't need to be included and it added nothing to the plot. There also were a few goofs that could have easily been avoided. In the movie while the setting is supposedly 1760 they mention the state of Maine even though at the time it was actually part of the territory of Massachusetts. Maine wasn't a state until 1820. Also while the movie was in 1972 they mention two songs that wouldn't be out for another year.

Rating 3.5 Stars

 

Bears!! That is pretty much the only thing this movie had going for it. The only reason it even had that was the fact that I claimed there would be a bear in the movie before it started and I was right. The movie seemed to want to be a "lost footage" film in how the camera work was super shaky. Also they didn't give me any likable characters. We had two angry brothers, a girl named Boobs (I am assuming that is her name because that is where the camera focused at least half the time), her friend Boring McBoringpants, a dirty hippie couple and the ex military guy Uri (he gets a real name because I liked his accent).

This movie could have been something special but in the end it just turned into a normal zombie movie. It also seemed like the makers were trying to make a video game because they just kept introducing new levels like, the coliseum, or the catacombs, or the creepy lunchroom. Nothing in the movie surprised me or caused me to jump at all. The only surprise was the bear that popped out of one of the rooms.

BEAR!!

Rating 2 Stars

After Men in Black 2 came out I didn't think that a third movie was such a good idea. The second one wasn't good and I was afraid the third one would be the same. After looking into the film (It had a budget of 375 million!!) I thought I would at least give it a shot. I was pleasantly surprised. The movie wasn't as childish or over the top as the second one, although it did have its moments (the stupid funeral at the beginning and the stupid use of a stupid alien language).

I thought it was well acted and that Josh Brolin did a great job as a young K. He nailed it. I also thought that Jemaine Clement did a fine job as the bad guy Boris the Animal. There were a few issues with what they had shown of 1969. For some reason they got two of the country flags wrong, Spain and Papua New Guinea. (I will be honest I didn't know that about both flags off the top of my head, just that of Spain so thank you internet)

 Rating 3.5 stars

The Dukes See a Movie: What to Expect When You're Expecting

I would like to write a quick disclaimer before I proceed with my review. If there is anyone out there reading that liked this movie I would recommend that you do not read this review because it could ruin our friendship. Consider yourselves warned. So here goes...

Wow, just wow. Not the good wow wherein you say "wow I just found five dollars in my laundry what a grand day this is turning out to be" but it is more akin to "wow I just lost my leg to a cannon ball on this golf course."

(Legal Fake Flashback)

The sun was shining high in the sky and a warm breeze was lazily flowing by from the East. I was lining up my chip on the ninth hole when I heard a strange noise and began to ponder. "What is that whistling sound? It sounds like a red tail hawk is trying to board a train." I decided to push the sound from my thoughts and focus on the shot since I had a small sum riding on the outcome of this game.

As I started to swing I felt a white heat in my leg and as I began to look down the moment seemed to freeze as I entered into shock. My mind refused to make sense of what I was seeing. My leg had seemingly disintegrated. The cannonball has reduced my knee into a hot red cloud of blood and bone fragments as the muscles were shredded into an unrecognizable heap of tissue and ligaments. As the moment slowly passed I was stunned by a searing pain as the nerve signals exploded in my brain as I fell to the ground screaming. It felt as if I were being tormented by the devil himself as I slowly faded into unconsciousness. That is how I feel about this movie except I had to face it without the sweet release of nothingness or fading into oblivion or unconsciousness.

I would still be doing this if it were not for good friends and the fact I had to go to work.

 
If that short story (which I wrote right after the movie while I was still full of the rage juices) isn't proof enough of how much I hated this movie I will go ahead and keep going using my favorite tool the bullet point.

• This movie is overly crude. It throws in crass comments in places that they were clearly not needed. It was quite evident that they did it in an attempt to be funny but they failed miserably.
• The movie taught me that women are only good for one thing. (actual line from the film) "I can't give you children which is the one thing women are supposed to do." 
• The movie had random inconsistencies. There is a part where a girl is having a baby shower and her cousin isn't there but for some reason this same cousin has gone to visit the woman in the hospital. If you are close enough to see her in the hospital you would have clearly been invited to the baby shower that had hundreds of people in attendance. It is as if the writers decided halfway through the film that the needed to connect these characters somehow.

I had a flashback of the film and I just couldn't go on.

• It was very poorly written. I didn't do my due diligence and research this film or else I would have seen this coming since the writers also wrote the new Freaky Friday.
• The previews were all lies. To be honest the movie wasn't our choice but we figured we would go along because we had picked pretty much all the other movies we had seen this year and we felt we should let someone else choose. We had seen a few things in the previews that looked like they could be funny but they were not. It was all lies and may they all be thrust down to Hell for those lies!
• It appeared that this movie was written by a bunch of three to thirteen year old boys. It was chock full of jokes about farts and peeing yourself and I don't find that super amusing. I am not even a very mature person but I just thought it was ridiculous and trite.
• It had stupid side stories that didn't seem to fit in the movie and didn't help me care about the characters at all. Like with the story line of Dennis Quaid the race car driver and his relationship with his son. It was never resolved and its inclusion made no sense.  

 I think we all need a short break from my ranting so here goes another foray into the wonderful world of having your mind blown. Besides looking a lot alike both men pictured above have portrayed Gandalf. Ian McKellen of course played him in the trilogy from the last decade and John Huston portrayed the character in the 1977 animated version of the Hobbit. I wonder if having the beard got them the part or if being in the part granted them the beard.

Back to ranting

• The film tried too hard to connect all of the characters (except the black ones those racists) and failed in having the movie make a lot of sense.
• One of the kids looked like Droopy Dog.
• The movie made fun of ugly kids which isn't something the kids can do much about.
• The movie also taught us that it is okay for guys to be terrible at nurturing children. The movie mentioned the guys doing all of the following things: dropping babies, forgetting them at random locations, letting them eat cigarettes, having the kids suffer random head injuries and playing with dead animals. Why is it okay to portray men in this manner? Also why are they giving guys out there these terrible examples of parenthood?
• The director also happened to direct the film Nanny McPhee.
• There was little to no chemistry amongst the characters. Part of the problem there is that the film lacked a fluid and coherent story as well as any semblance of pace. I found myself rooting for bad things to happen to the characters just to see if I could still feel anything or to see if I truly had died inside.

Never see this movie. Even if you are offered ten grand or your freedom from a kidnapping you should never see this movie. After leaving the theater is a stupor I began to enter in to a blind rage. I said mean things to the people that liked the movie (I said that my taste was akin to Shakespeare and their taste was closer to Danielle Steele. Lucky for me they didn't really get it or they would have been quite offended) and for that I would like to apologize, but be warned if you recommend another movie like this one I will consider it an act of war.

Rating 0 Stars and may God have mercy on your souls.

The Dukes See a Movie: The Raven

Is this another sequel to the crow?

Once upon a late night dreary, while we pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious points of random Batman lore,
While we quibbled, nearly fighting, suddenly there came a prompting,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at our theater door.
`'Tis some visitor,' we muttered, `tapping at our theater door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled us - filled us with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of our hearts, We stood repeating
`'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at our theater door -
Some late visitor entreating entrance at our theater door; -
This it is, and nothing more,'

Presently our souls grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,' said we, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness we implore;
But the fact is we were quibbling, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at our theater door,
That we scarce were sure we heard you' - here we opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long we stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only words there spoken were the whispered words, `This movie blows!'
This we whispered, and an echo murmured back the words, `This movie blows!'
Merely this and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all our souls within us burning,
Soon again we heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,' said we, `surely that is something at our theater row;
Let us see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let our hearts be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
'Tis the wind and nothing more!'

Then, we thought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
`Wretch,' we cried, `thy God hath lent thee - by these angels he has sent thee
Respite - respite and nepenthe from thy memories of the film before!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this film before!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

`Prophet!' said we, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil! -
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -
On this home by horror haunted - tell me truly, we implore -
Is there - is there balm in Gilead? - tell me - tell me, I implore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

`Prophet!' said we, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us - by that God we both adore -
Tell these souls with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
 They shall see a movie that shall wash out this painful memory with blood and gore -
Clasp a rare and brilliant film whom the angels named in days a fore?'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

`Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!' We shrieked upstarting -
`Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave our loneliness unbroken! - quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out our hearts, and take thy form from off our door!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'



That was my attempt to use the words of Edgar Allen Poe and my own to tell you how much I hated this movie. There is almost nothing about this movie I didn't hate. The night started of grand with a great dinner at Goodwood Barbecue, but as we left we should have paid heed to the omens around us that warned us the movie would be a disaster. I came in expecting nothing and somehow I left super disappointed.

I should have noticed the fact that John Cusack was starring int he film and as we all know he has been phoning it in since the early 90's. Also he lost 20 pounds for the role but for some reason he grew out a goatee even though Poe never had more than a mustache a possibly a bit of a van dyke during a couple of his different phases.

Note the lack of a goatee on the one with talent.

Also the actors that they got to star in the movie were not the first choices. Ewan McGregor was supposed to be Edgar Allan Poe and Jeremy Renner was to be Inspector Fields. That would have helped the movie a bit but you still can't overcome terrible writing. The dialogue was very wooden and poor and the delivery didn't help in that at all.  The characters would randomly get angry without cause and when I thought that they should lose control they were rather placid.

The movie was so boring. It was all we could do to not yell at the screen, but I can assure you that had we been alone in the theater we would have been shouting up a storm. In the end there were only two characters I cared about even a little. A pet raccoon and Emily (Alice Eve) and she is only included because I think she is attractive. Actually I changed my mind! I don't care about her! I just remembered that she was playing a piece of music on the piano by Claude Debussy even though he wouldn't be born for another thirteen years from the time the film supposedly took place.

Also since the movie is based on Edgar Allan Poe you would think they would check their facts but nooooo, fact checking is just too darn hard. An example is when he gets asked if he had ever written a story involving a sailor and he replies that he hasn't. I literally read a story by Poe last week that involved a sailor called Descent in the Maelstrom and that is not the only one he has written about them. Grrrr! Consider my hackles officially raised. One more thing! Poe never signed his work Edgar Allan Poe because Allan was the name of his step-father and he hated the man! GRAAHHH!! ZAC SMASH!!!!!

Sorry about that. As soon as I find a replacement shirt I will get back to the review. Okay now that I am freshly shirted here I go.

Also this was in the movie! Okay it wasn't exactly the same thing, but the mask that Poe wears at the masquerade ball reminded me of this snickers mask a lot. Why would you make something that looks like this? That is ridiculous and you should be ashamed for what you have done.

Tell me that isn't what it looks like.

When I first heard about this project I was excited because it was an original idea that seemed to have a lot of potential. As the opening drew nearer I started to lose faith because of what I was seeing and what the critics were saying. This movie made me oh so very sad, even though I learned that if you are poisoned you don't just have a second wind you actually can have up to six or seven winds. Also coffins from the 1840's are airtight even if you think you can see a sliver of light coming through it is only there to fool you.  Never see this movie. If you do see it you can't say I didn't warn you, but you still can come to me and I will comfort you and we can wallow in our sadness together. But hey at least it wasn't Skyline.

Rating 1.5 Stars